For-w-a-r-d!

It's a weird feeling when a pt of mine asked,
how long i've been working
and the curt answer i had to give was
14 days.

off tagged, and i'm left to ponder about life again
time to spare and time to think
what am i going to do with my new life here
alone in sarawak with a bunch of new faces, new personalities.
HUS/SGH. the place i choose with my itchy itchy hands.
it's suddenly so quiet.
no sunny's jokes/laughter. no lippy's senyum sinis. no uma's kadavale.
no lalang's toothy smile.
the 2 weeks went by like a film on fast forward.
ppl crashing ppl dama-ing
and xinli turning incoherent.

i know,
its part of something called Change.
and with the spare time, the feeling of weirdness + emptyness creeps up.
It's not the 1st time, but it is certainly a major life changing event.
and i tend to retract back to the happy times i had in med school
with the most crazy bunch of friends - ah, the happy happy time we had.
the facial spasm. the stupid jokes. i. miss. you. all.
I hope i will not loose my smile as the days go by.

but, no matter what,
i know
we all have to move on.
for better or worst.
no matter rain or shine.

- -

Sayonara syndrome is creeping up again; or has it been there all this while?



アンジェラ・アキ - 手紙 ～拝啓 十五の君へ～
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
拝啓　この手紙読んでいるあなたは
Haikei, Kono tegami yonde iru anata wa
どこで何をしているのだろう
Doko de nani wo shite iru no darou

十五の僕には誰にも話せない
Juugo no boku ni wa dare nimo hanase nai
悩みの種があるのです
Nayami no tane ga aru no desu

未来の自分に当てて書く手紙なら
Mirai no jibun ni atete kaku tegami nara
きっと素直に打ち明けられるだろう
Kitto sunao ni uchiake rareru darou

今　負けそうで　泣きそうで
Ima makesou de nakisou de
消えてしまいそうな僕は
Kiete shimaisou na boku wa
誰の言葉を信じ歩けばいいの？
Dare no kotoba wo shinji arukeba ii no?
ひとつしかないこの胸が
Hitotsu shika nai kono mune ga
何度もばらばらに割れて
Nando mo barabara ni warete
苦しい中で今を生きている
Kurushii naka de ima wo ikite iru
今を生きている
Ima wo ikite iru

拝啓　ありがとう　十五のあなたに
Haikei, Arigatou juugo no anata ni
伝えたい事があるのです
Tsutaetai koto ga aru no desu

自分とは何でどこへ向かうべきか
Jibun to wa nani de doko e mukau beki ka
問い続ければ見えてくる
Toi tsudukere ba miete kuru

荒れた青春の海は厳しいけれど
Areta seishun no umi wa kibishii keredo
明日の岸辺へと　夢の舟よ進め
Asu no kishibe e to yume no fune yo susume

今　負けないで　泣かないで
Ima makenai de nakanai de
消えてしまいそうな時は
Kiete shimaisou na toki wa
自分の声を信じ歩けばいいの
Jibun no koe wo shinji arukeba ii no
大人の僕も傷ついて
Otona no boku mo kizu tsuite
眠れない夜はあるけど
Nemure nai yoru wa aru kedo
苦くて甘い今を生きている
Nigakute amai ima wo ikite iru

人生の全てに意味があるから
Jinsei no subete ni imi ga aru kara
恐れずにあなたの夢を育てて
Osorezu ni anata no yume wo sodatete

Keep on believing

負けそうで　泣きそうで
Makesou de nakisou de
消えてしまいそうな僕は
Kiete shimaisou na boku wa
誰の言葉を信じ歩けばいいの？
Dare no kotoba wo shinji arukeba ii no
ああ　負けないで　泣かないで
Aa Makenai de nakanai de
消えてしまいそうな時は
Kiete shimaisou na toki wa
自分の声を信じ歩けばいいの
Jibun no koe wo shinji arukeba ii no
いつの時代も悲しみを
Itsu no jidai mo kanashimi wo
避けては通れないけれど
Sakete wa toorenai keredo
笑顔を見せて　今を生きてゆこう
Egao wo misete ima wo ikite yukou
今を生きてゆこう
Ima wo ikite yukou

拝啓　この手紙読んでいるあなたが
Haikei, Kono tegami yonde iru anata ga
幸せなことを願います
Shiawase na koto wo negai masu

---------- (English Translation.) ----------
Dear you, Who's reading this letter
Where are you and what are you doing now?
For me who's 15 years old

There are seeds of worries I can't tell anyone
If it's a letter addressed to my future self,
Surely I can confide truly to myself

Now, it seems that I'm about to be defeated and cry
For someone who's seemingly about to disappear
Whose words should I believe in?

This one-and-only heart has been broken so many times
In the midst of this pain, I live the Present
I live the present

Dear you, Thank you
I have something to tell the 15 year old you
If you coutinue asking what and where you should be going

You'll be able to see the answer
The rough seas of youth may be tough But row your boat of dreams on
Towards the shores of tomorrow
Now, please don't be defeated and please don'tshed tear
During these times when you're seemingly about to disappear
Just believe in your own voice
For me as an adult, there ara sleepless nights when I'm hurt
But I'm living the bittersweet present

There's meaning to everything in life
So build your dreames without fear

Keep on bilieving

Seems like I'm about to be defeated and cry
For someone who's seemingly about to disappear
Whose words should I believe in?
Please don't be defeated and please don't shed a tear
During these times when you're seemingly about to disappear
Just believe in your own voice
There's no running away from sorrow

So show your smile, and go on living the present
Go on living the present

Dear you, Who's reading this letter
I wish you happiness
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Humans..

I just finished "the boy in striped pajamas" , the movie directed by Mark Herman.
The movie was fabulous, and it ought to be awarded of some sort of prize. It captures the regime of the Nazis through a set of an 8year-old boy's eyes perfectly.

Anyone who loves thought provoking movies should watch this. It would definitely set off ideas and thoughts that is currently submerging in your sub-conscious mind.

I wonder if i could get back to bed. This show has sent the familiar spine chilling feeling that i have, always, after seeing how herds of Jews were killed in chambers. It is truly insane, --how inhumane people could turn into when they are blinded by faith. The type of faith and trust in a man that successfully addressed the inner fears of humans; and how we just need a single, charismatic person to ignite hatred, sow seeds of anger and "the so-called-patriotism" against another human kind.

It was.. unspeakable. If there are indeed Gods above, what would they think of us?

Ze trip to Kuching

I never thought that i would actually join my lelong, lalang, their respective bffs, my super cfcs partner and my newly discovered youngest coolest macik saudara to the land of the Cats -The miow miow city. :D

Oh well. I didn't actually get to see lots and lots of cats loitering in the streets, but what i did discovered is, kuching aint that "ulu" and tiny as I expected. (yes. xinli is geography blind )
Kuching's HUGE! Everything is humungeous! The houses. The Library. Imagine, you could actually build a house on top of the round about! Wohoo.

And, the thing about traveling with a group of friends is that you will coincidently discover the usually well hidden side of themselves.

I discovered a lot of interesting traits of others during this trip. The cute. The funny. The hilarious side of others. The deep thoughts. The motherly side. The protective side. Ah. things that i never knew. or should i put it as , things that i thought i knew, but was proved otherwise.
Ok.. enough blabbing..now, on to the much awaited pictures -!

See! we are not that heavy after all!

Everybody! Strike a pose!
Ah.. lalang 's trying to kill me! :p

Flying crocodile in action

Cannibalism. urgh.
Action packed shows!
Orang utans in action. I heard, 1 of them is actually Edwin.
Darlie advertisementT's neighbour's doggieFOOD; @ buka puasa time~

This trip was blessed with 2 honey-sweet angels, who spent their precious time and money with us. A special thanks and muaks to you guys! Thank you soooo much!

A very potter musical

If you are a harry potter fan,
you are definitely going to love this!

Happiness; redefined

I did it.
I made it through the 5 years.
The 5crucial years of my life.
With the unwavering support from my pa and ma
Where i transcend from a shy teenager to a young adult.
Where i was filled from an empty bin to a sponge heavy with anatomy, physiology and a range of knowledge to heal and treat diseases
where i met teachers, doctors, professors, patients, people from all walks of life that would certainly leave a mark in my life.
they had improved me into a much greater level than i thought i would achieve.
they taught me about life. about inequalities. about religion. about happiness. about impermanence and change. about philosophy. about sports. about greeting the cleaner. about karaoke. about attire. about smell. about astronomy. about things other than the all-important-medical stuff.
in which a "thank you' would never be enough to express the gratitude and appreciation i have.

Here, i found friends. people that shared and made memories with me. shed tears with. had facial spasms due to uncontrollable laughter with. cooked with. celebrated birthdays with. danced with. visited various foodstalls with. ate dominos with. shared heart wrenching episodes together. people that taught me new vocabulary. invented new syndromes. rocked msn with. i found friends; friends that found a way into my heart. in which i will cherish forever.




Happy hols :)

countdown begins at T -10

c107,
Ganbatte kudasai!!

The sayonara syndrome

MSN chatting is not all about gossip.
It could be intellectual at times.
Here, lalang and i we hatched the idea of the Sayonara Syndrome**
In which, I believe that all the symptoms described in the previous Glacius* post, fit its criteria.


The Saynonara syndrome
Pathophysiology : suppression of overwhelming sadness with a tinge of self denial and realization of impermanence

Risk factors : 1. schooling for quarter of a century 2. medical students like us

Etiology : pressure of ending school + looming exam + porties + parting with friends

Symptoms : 1. incoherent speech 2. flight of ideas 3. mood swings 4.sudden facial changes 5. self isolation

Mgx : 1. lots of social support 2. suggests individual to focus on exam 3. pharmacology treatment is strongly not recommended as it blunts the necessary intelligence for preparations of exam.


Prognosis : Good, resolves with time.


[*Glacius is a freezing spell in the Potter world ]

Glacius

Sometimes I feel that life is passing me by,
not slowly either,
but with ropes of steam and spark-spattered wheels
and a hoarse roar of power or terror.
It's passing, yet I'm the one
who's doing all the moving.
~Martin Amis

The feeling im having is weird.
down-right weird.
my mind is slowing everyday to a slow motion

the etiology is not from the stress of the looming exam,
and it's certainly not love (rolls eyes; who has time for this?!)
but more of
the idea of being thrown into the real world,
parting with friends that i've made in this 5 years,
leaving buddies tat make me laugh until i have facial spasm..
packing my bags to say goodbye to home sweet home again..
leaving school for the 1st time in nearly a quarter of my life..

it doesn't feel like being stuffed into a pressure cooker,
and it certainly doesn't feel like dying
it's ... weird indescribable feeling of utter blah.
its like im anticipating for the next page,
the next chapter,
to progress,
to spread my wings and fly,

but at the same time,
deep within the gray matter..
i know that i'll be nostalgic of this chapter of my life
i realize i'm secretly hoping that time will just freeze.
stop. pause. whatever. just make it last longer..

time waits for no one,
but, ah.. with the potter mania; magic, perhaps?

Fate binds us all

The thing about "working" at hometowns is that,
inevitably, you'll bound to meet someone you know

- xinli

For the 1st time ever, my 12-hour oncall was so meaningful.
It was way better than filling up that few spaces of my log book.
Yesterday, apart from getting to know kaklong&kaklang my friends better, I was extremely happy about what had happened. And it's really simple joy+shock+ekkz that prompted me to blog about it.

It was like, wow! omg! walking into a flash bang at 2am in the morning sorta thing.
No warnings. No flash lights.
Pure jodoh

The thing was,

i met my long lost primary school friend.

we never met after we part ways after primary 6.
I went to Convent, while she went to Chinese High School.
The circumstances that we met that day was simply outta this world!!

Never had i imagined that i would meet her again,
when she's in labour, for her THIRD child! 3rd! tiga! @,@


it's been 13 years since we met.
And if you are doing the calculations,
I was 11 when i was in primary 6.
13 years.
13 years down the road.
she has 3 kids + loving husband.
while i on the contrary is practically kid-less+zero-lovelife.
we have such a different life.
even though we had the same education for 6 years.

Ah...
You just can't beat jodoh
and the invisible string that binds us all together.

The professional juggler

I feel like an overflow-ed reservoir
I have lots to say, lots. Tonnes, Noones and Zonnes ( ok, i made this up :p )

A lot has been happening lately
its like balancing my weight on the tip of an iceberg
on the digitus minimus
while being bombarded by asteroids

Portfolios,
life events,
the near ending of another chapter of my life,
being awake for 24 hours straight and still having to answer to Questions posed by dr_K during class,
delivering,
resuscitating,
keeping a straight-alert face when in fact im-so-dead-tired , scrubbing in with the yellow hat,
snatching the scissor from the HO to cut the sutures,
counting down to the FINAL exam... is ........... ---
ah .
the aiyo-kadavale(taught by uma)-indescribable-exhilirating grey-matter stretching-experience.

And.. I know, i know, its going to get more and more intense as the final weeks creep in,
but i still cant shake off the idea that these experiences would be a really good material to laugh about during our 40 years reunion.

Fore!

R.I.P MJ

xinli is very much in the portfolio frenzy now = no time to talk / blog / sleep :(

Wa..what in the world?

Talking dogs!

cheers

2 months to adjust and back to swimming routine :)

Do you have 1 hour and 40 minutes to spare?

If you can spare 1 hour and 40 minutes and you just love mcdonalds,
watch this free movie : super size me ;
see what happens to this guy who took mcD 3 times per day for 30 days!

The art of fishing

In semester 10, we are required to learn the fine art of fishing and its humongous secret(s).
Yes, and i do mean fishing.

Well, you see,
before all of us graduate into the real world,
first and foremost,
we gotta learn something
something to survive out there

And, this holy task of educating us to be top notched imu grads,
is devised in a way that not many could understand..
well basically, the task the admin ppl had to do
was to throw us to H. Batu Pahat,
to learn.. LEarn.. LEARN...it!

but... learn wa-what?

Simple.
We were required to write up catch ten cases big rare/interesting fish-ies..
well, initially, 10 does sound like an easy task,
come on, i could easily net 10 in a month in seremban!
what's the big deal!? - so. i. thought.

Hence,
armed with good spirits, some fishing rods, some cacings and sampans we took from seremban..
we waited...
and waited...
and waited.....


Not long,
we came to our senses to realize that interesting cases big fishes are scarce
Suspicion amongst us grew like wild fire.. who is catching all the fish-ies?
Did some use bigger more canggih super fish nets while some others are using kampung style fishing rods?
Did they arm themselves with ultrasound guides?
Or did some built their own fish farms?

Ahh...
Out of desperation and fear..
We all failed to see the big picture.
the reason was s i m p l e.
it was a small pond,
the fishes were limited. the demand outweighs the supply.
We just got to be patient and have faith.

But, it wasn't that easy to learn new things.. things that you thought you knew, but wasn't tested.
i too realize that my angels were on holiday starting from 2nd week onwards..
i got nothing but broken bones, head contussion, rib fractures tins cans, twigs, boots, false alarms, and not to mention falling into the cold water for a few times. Jumbled together with the roller coster adrenaline charged rides you get, when you suddenly feel a tug (gasp) - immediately your spirits run high thinking :yeah finally its my turn and im getting 1!! but it crashed down so badly when you realize it has already bitten somebody's cacings..

Oh anyway..
as the saying goes, Everything comes gradually and at its appointed hour.
i caught one biggy during the last 3 days of my posting! yea! after 4 weeks of tincans-twigs-boots-of DRAUGHT!
so adding to the 1 biggy during the very first week, i'm now safely in comfort zone.
Phew, was that close! my angels came back just in time!

So, did the holy plan managed to educate us ?
Hopefully.
Instilling
patience.
absolute faith in your guardian angles
and to accept that life isn't always fair, for some hidden reasons that we couldn't possibly understand.
to us ego-maniacs-knuckle heads.. would certainly not be an easy task..

but hey, we are not yet old dogs who can't learn new tricks right?

Sex, lies and bullshit

Well, except for the sex.

Sometimes, for a moment, i tend to forget that i am actually studying in a medical school. where people are supposed to be angels and saints.
Maybe i should have just gone into law school , or meet the devil himself and learn to be a real tough mut.

Blame it on me, maybe i've set my standards too high. maybe this is the real deal.. it's just the tip of the ice berg of what it is happening in the real world. Where people spread lies lies and lies to tarnish a person or, backstabbing is nothing but bread and butter to survive? And, ah... not forgetting the juicy gossips. Where the thin line between truth and lies are blurred and altered beyond recognition. White becomes black and black becomes white; you can't tell which is which. And in the end, we all ended up as sluggish grey.

Is this what we are? The future? The people to lead? To invent? To make a better world?
Where is the dignity? Where are the standards? where where where?! Under the bed perhaps? Or, as i always say, it's just a self protective mechanism?
to be offensive, to protect thee self? Aren't we great minds who think? synthesize theories? Haven't we all heard of - Great minds discuss ideas, mediocre minds discuss events and small minds discuss personalities?

I was hoping for a change.
Yeah right.
some changes
We must advance. Advocate good. Not to whiter and go along whatsoever, to be mindless bull dungs who degenerate and downgrade ourselves to be cannon balls.
Where's your conscience? Have you forgotten why you are here in the first place?
We are supposed to be the crystal balls, the great minds! Duh!

design your IMU kampung angkat 09 t-shirt

Your idea is highly anticipated and appreciated!
Email your idea to : Kampung.angkat@imu.edu.my
Deadline : 4th May 2009
Any queries? contact me :) or kasemsuk
T-shirt template:



Required to insert :

Random thoughts.

this life,
is nothing but a film,
written
directed,
acted,
by the same person.

a song,
compossed,
and sung
by the same person.

in a fleeting moment
and it's gone,
over,
like a scent in the wind.

so beautiful,
yet
so sad.

-xinli at 2am -

Have you heard of the Tokelau Islands?

Honestly, before today, i didn't even know it existed!
I guess most of us don't know either, it being a group of small islands 32 hours away from new zealand! ...

So, realizing this fact, the residents of tokelau islands thought of an ingenious way to promote their islands
that is,
to provide FREE domains to anyone who needs it.
the domain names that you had spent nights to dream of having,
that special dot.com name that you want,
but, reluctant to spend a dime on it kinda thing,
so, here at dot tk ,
you can now dream of having it Eg, www.xinli.tk or www.anythingyouwant.tk or www.yournamehere.tk
( man, do i sound like a desperate salesperson! ; but good things are meant to be shared, ya?)

well, it doesn't host your website there at dot tk, so you can still retain your original weblink and just direct your new address to the old site. Saves you the time of rebuilding another site eh?
anyway, have fun peeps!

I'm home

Bliss, in the heart

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An Indescribable feeling :-)