heartache, backache and headache

when i was small,
my mummy and pa told me that i could be whatever i wanted to be
be it a princess or an ordinary folk
or an angel trying to reach the sky and touch the clouds
the destiny, ultimately is in my hands

1 year ago
when i was fresh out of medical school
with full of passion and drive
i was in a posting where broken bones, severed limbs and bone tumors
preoccupied my day
my heart and soul was, still preserved and quite intact at that time.

i vividly remember how E walked into the ward
a head full of hair
with a hearthy smile armed with deep dimples that lit up the room
he had no complaints although his diagnosis was grave
no complaints although he was in pain
no complaints, despite being three hundred kilometers away from his home
he knew. the therapy would take a year of his life,
and he took it with, just a smile

Today, this morning
i saw him in minor OT; 1 year later
such coincidence, an unplanned meeting.
unlike the counselling sessions we had by the 6th floor window over looking kuching
where we had talked about tin-football and his pineapple farm by the hill.
today was one of the many slaps of wake up call for.- me.

a pang of guillt hit me.
i had wanted to go with the flow. to regress; to turn into a heartless stone, an ice meatball.
it was this close of me giving up being nice. being caring from the bottom of my heart.
i had nearly. sink that low.

Talking to E again made me wake up rudely from a trance of ignorance
like a sick doctor being nursed back to health.
God really works in many many ways.
i missed so much events. the crying. the heart ache of near death. the sepsis.
and when i looked closely,
the smile, was replaced by a pasted one and it is obvioulys quite fake
his hair, was replaced with a shinny scalp
but his eyes shows contentment. and a ray of hope.
Tonight, afterall, is his last night here in SGH.

Time is what i lack.
with so much to care about
but so little time to digest the gist of it.
So much events
that if,
for just a moment you do not pay enough attention,
events flow like the water in the river
mercilessly across and away.
and it will never come back. anymore.
and all you end up is,
feeling like being dragged from the ankle by a thousand stallions with your arm outstretched digging into loose sand.