heartache, backache and headache

when i was small,
my mummy and pa told me that i could be whatever i wanted to be
be it a princess or an ordinary folk
or an angel trying to reach the sky and touch the clouds
the destiny, ultimately is in my hands

1 year ago
when i was fresh out of medical school
with full of passion and drive
i was in a posting where broken bones, severed limbs and bone tumors
preoccupied my day
my heart and soul was, still preserved and quite intact at that time.

i vividly remember how E walked into the ward
a head full of hair
with a hearthy smile armed with deep dimples that lit up the room
he had no complaints although his diagnosis was grave
no complaints although he was in pain
no complaints, despite being three hundred kilometers away from his home
he knew. the therapy would take a year of his life,
and he took it with, just a smile

Today, this morning
i saw him in minor OT; 1 year later
such coincidence, an unplanned meeting.
unlike the counselling sessions we had by the 6th floor window over looking kuching
where we had talked about tin-football and his pineapple farm by the hill.
today was one of the many slaps of wake up call for.- me.

a pang of guillt hit me.
i had wanted to go with the flow. to regress; to turn into a heartless stone, an ice meatball.
it was this close of me giving up being nice. being caring from the bottom of my heart.
i had nearly. sink that low.

Talking to E again made me wake up rudely from a trance of ignorance
like a sick doctor being nursed back to health.
God really works in many many ways.
i missed so much events. the crying. the heart ache of near death. the sepsis.
and when i looked closely,
the smile, was replaced by a pasted one and it is obvioulys quite fake
his hair, was replaced with a shinny scalp
but his eyes shows contentment. and a ray of hope.
Tonight, afterall, is his last night here in SGH.

Time is what i lack.
with so much to care about
but so little time to digest the gist of it.
So much events
that if,
for just a moment you do not pay enough attention,
events flow like the water in the river
mercilessly across and away.
and it will never come back. anymore.
and all you end up is,
feeling like being dragged from the ankle by a thousand stallions with your arm outstretched digging into loose sand.

home.

Signs and symptoms that you couldnt just ignore :-
(Because they just wouldn't go away).

1. unexplained lethargy
2. bipolar behaviour
3. substandard working performance
4. crazy speeches you give to friends
5. idiopathic nausea
6. inappriopriate spikes of body temperature
7. staring into the sky as if looking an angel


this is when,
your body is screaming
that you need to go home;
to rejuvenate
to recharge that empty heart of yours.
where you will feel all warm and comfy.
and where everything tastes right
feels right
like you are once again,
alive.

- -

it is easy to loose our way
to take the horns and tail unknowingly
when we are walking blindly in this world
in a rush.
rushing.
as always. to some goal.
some goal that is so important
to achieve, we must.

one day you wake up to a weird room
a room you had no recollection of,
that you've been sleeping in for the past 1 year
never noticed,
how to wood carvings of the headboard looks like
or how in the world theres a hole peeking through the roof
or the pattern of the bed sheet you hurriedly bought one day
so soft to touch.

as i lay here.
so quiet, with only the sound of my breath,
then did i realize the phone in my palm looks amazingly great
and i've never noticed how it manages to reflect the sunlight that way.
did i slip into some time machine?
that erased all my consciousness?
of what is true and what is only a mirage?
what is good and what is evil?
what is polite and what is rude?

no, i did not scream at the nurse who woke me up
i didnt even pass any chilling remarks to her either
for callling the wrong number in this early morning during my offday

i guess.
i am awake.
i hope. i will stay awake like this.
careful not to slip into the pit of pressure riding fire everyone seems to be in
the kind of licking fire that takes away all the goodness in you
the kindness that all of us should have.
must have.
the gist of angels above.


Happy be-lated raya/merdeka; anyway. :D

istetoscope anybody?

Imagine

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

would i...

---
we have a room
at the corner of a big tall building
with an enormous view of the city
and a large piece of. sky.

i sit there sometimes
with the air conditioner humming at the background
so quietsometimes just to watch the clouds change its shape
so distant yet it feels so close
like smoke bellowing sprouting in mid air
hovering mutely against the blue sky
drifting so peacefully
oblivious to the chaos beneath

the street, usually dotted with cars
so busy
rushing from one end to the other
or headless humans
walking briskly to someplace
not noticing the beauty of nature

occasionally a bird or two would sky dive
frolicking in against the wind
as if teasing me
to get myself my own pair of wings
yet all i could do is stare from a piece of window
gawking away
with an internal clock counting down to the last minute of rest time

i saw the first rain drop tapping against the window.
the rain drop slide off the glass,
shimmering as it went down because of. gravity.

then,
an epiphany dawn upon me

would i believe that we can see such beautiful things
if the retina did not exist?
humans would be gropping in darkness
ruling the world on fours
and the world would only be perceived via touch.

would i believe in the beautiful melodies
if the cochlear did not exist?
when i can only stare and imagine the tunes when the pianist hit the black and white keys
or the harpist strum the strings?
so desperately straining my ears
filling in the imaginary tones


would i..

Kopi Air and Discharge summaries..

1am : I guess i was really gawking at the TV screen during my call in labour room
after i cheekily offered the new mother to be " nak tengok TV si? -- *followed by a big grin "
The JM timing contractions suddenly quipped, " bila Doktor kali terakhir tengok TV? "
Maybe i was indeed unconsciously drooling in front of the 32" flat screen panel the other night. Hee. Before i could answer, came the familiar "cEaserrrr roOM 7" and i was up on my feet outta the room.

3am: "okay so you hold the os like that and poke it like... this.."*smile smile demonstrating ARM to Sue the new girl round the block. What followed that a minute later, was, i was pulling out a healthy rigorously crying baby out.. careful not to cut my fingers with the cord scissors (gosh-who designed such clumsy scissors?!)

6am : Still in scrubs and most of the time, smelling of liquor, with a mint in my mouth to prevent me patients to collapse from my halitosis, "Heloo mama*with a toothy grin ". ada headache? pening? rasa muntah? darah banyak si? baby BO ? PU? ... susu ibu paling best... palpate touch touch tummy for uterus ... repeated x 1000

8am : strict face *but with a*smile smile - "ze pt is blar blar from bla land.. vital signs are stable...plan is to.....but i think..."

9am : dunking imaginary donuts into --the-worst-ever-but-it-is-free-so-bear-with it-hospital-supplied-coffee-water, **smiling to myself thinking har! KPI time is 11, right on time! completing discharge summaries (x100000) in hopefully break neck speed with shaz ...
and that's my life so far till 9am in the morning yesterday..

**smiling does make a difference.
i guess i had so-nearly turned into one of them ---the dr_CTMMs.
Bless my angels who are so kind for introducing me Aunty Fish and her wonderful blog.
She woke me up from my zombie slumber.
Reminding a simple thing.
To smile.
For that smile would cross all boundaries, imaginary or real;
warm up cold hearts even in the dead winter of human goo.

And yes indeed
yesterday was different.
I actually felt a warm feeling wash over me.
as i was walking to the car, pass the tennis court, beneath the noon sun, warm breeze and the beautiful ink blue sky dotted with cotton clouds .
i guess i was.
happy.
because of what i did for the past 24 hours?
most probably.

i think, therefore i am.

Today after work, i went to The Hills, a rather uptown part for lunch by the balcony, looking at the horizons of kuching city. Well, only part of it. The air was crisp. It was a cloudy afternoon with fresh air after the rain. The kind that gives hope and showers a thin sliver lining on everything you see.

And. To think about things.
Things that later I found out were things debated and talked about by other great philosophers of “our” time.

Time since things were documented. It seems. Ha.

I stumbled upon this book. The Everything book of great thinkers.
It was when i caught eye of the new the Times outlet after the hearty lunch. The interior was sophisticated, lined with black bookshelves that invariably gives all the books it holds a “please read me!” shot. As i walked in, i felt the familiar thrill like opening up Christmas presents, and the aroma of new books so enticing.
Then, the comical book stood out.
Everything book huh.
Sceptical yet curious, i flipped it fast, catching a few of this and that. And i saw something by Descartes. I have to admit. I have zit. Nil. Zero. Idea who in the world is Descartes. But it was him who said the famous. “I think. Therefore i am”.
Something about Socratic debate.
Something about David Hume’s idea that we are merely electromagnetic chaotic storm of sensory impressions.
And the thing that tipped me over to spend Rm 54.89 was the part talking about comprehending the imcomprehensible; introduced by Immanuel Kant- as i had always wonder.

Wondering the imcomprehensible. That makes me think, am i going round in circles. Lost in the maze.
It’s like you know somethings there, but the absent-minded mind just could not put words in it.
It’s like time and space. Stars. Mind blowing things. When you micro-think about time, What is it actually? As represented by the ticking battery operated machine we call the clock? Is it something for you to keep track of the punch in punch out time for claims? Or it’s something that goes, unconsciously and mercilessly, until one day, you spot wrinkles on your forehead.

So much so. I do not know where to start or stop.

But at least, now, i know i am not alone.


- i think therefore i am, proves i exist. But i am imperfect. Flawed mortal man. If i were my own creator, naturally i would have made myself perfect. This proves that i did not create myself. And if i did not. Then who did?-

something worth watching.

It's not about ipad or the new htc hd 2.
It's about the little blue dot in space,
and how small we really are.

- -

Nearly 4 months ago,
from the moment i received that "dammed" letter instructing me to report to BTN camp,
followed by the rather unwelcome'd letter instructing me to report to SGH,
everything was a blur fast forwarded film.
i had to zoom down from KL to BP, and to catch the next flight bound for kuching..
mentally and physically drained,
i figure that i didn't gave a proper goodbye to anyone!

Suddenly, like an uprooted tree,
i felt the coldness surrounding me like a thin layer of over coat,
no matter how i try to smile, it felt fake to the core
disorientated, displaced and thrown to a very foreign place
with no place to stay,
no car to drive,
i felt i lost my wings,
but of course, during tagging time,
things were busy busy busy, and these feelings were shoved into a deep blackhole of nothingness

Day after day passed like rain drops falling down from the clouds
i told myself i must be happy, even for the slightest minimal appearing-not-to-be-significant things/events
I must get my roots back in place
then, slowly
we manage to get a place
my dear'old ford arrived in style
things were starting to improve
then badminton sessions started to materialize
i found new friends to joke with
people to hang out with
it felt like a ship with an anchor again

Ah...
these 4 months..
feels surreal.. nearly like a dream.

But today,
is the day to be remembered.

This very day,
i just want to watch the clock tick
counting down to the moment for me to board my flight to go home
it's like standing on top of a mountain watching sunrise.
its a great feeling.

after all,
I am going home

Oh..

Being posted to RCBM isn't all play.

Here, away from all the hu-ha-ness,
away from the hustle bustle of human-beings and their unnecessary apparatus
away, deep in the forest, in silence..
i realize my veil has been lifted
i was able to think more clearly
or perhaps, sufficient sleep?
i felt like i am the patient,
locked in a room
nursing my own home-sickness and rethinking about human nature

But, of course, apart from that,
Here, i manage to uncover the ultimate secret behind why people fall down from trees..

Now, have you ever wondered why in the 1st place they are enticed into climbing that dangerous plant?
It's the rewards, of course!
Now check this out!
All the RAMBUTAN trees along any road are ripe, filled with magnetic juicy yummy RED red RED rambutans which are FREE FOR ALL.
I personally didn't realize how alluring the trees were..
until..
i saw it with my own eyes!
And i was like.. NO WAY!



Well, worry not,
as our loving government has the saying
"rakyat didahulukan, pencapaian diutamakan"














they had erected this BIG sign board beside the rambutan trees ->
so guys,
pay attention!
For godness sake, stop climbing!!