Letter to God

Dear god,

Once upon a time, i had a friend who told me that friends are like clothes.
and i remember i refused to believe in it.

then one day
i took off all the clothes i had
i burnt them all down
drew a line
put up a false front

because on that day
Life became meaningless to me

it all began
when
i had told you, my dear god,
please, do tell me the secret of life
i prayed hard for the "secret"
i was too arrogant and ignorant
too inpatient to learn from life

and,
you showed me ..
death
and
impermanence

God,
my heart was shattered
i sank into darkness
nothing is real
life was just a dream i yearn to wake up from
i feel the irony of life
it feels cold and cruel

everything
everything
no matter how hard you grab with your might
it'll slip off
it's like grasping sand between your fingers
catching air with a vacuum cleaner

it is going too fast
i am a loser to time
i cannot outrun it

so i shifted my priority to my family
but god,
it aches my heart each time when i go back home
to find another wrinkle on my parents face
knowing a new event happened to my love-ies without me

i see the phases of life in my mind
everytime
at the lunch table in the restaurant
whenever a pair of young couple / family is eating
in my mind they transform into a young family, a middle age family, and then the children all grown up, leaves to form their own family, and then the couple dies.

Dear god
yes, i did see life too
the beginning of life
the baby's first breath
the cry
but the joy i had was clouded by shudders and chills of what is going to be

Slowly,
months went by
the tear supply was exhausted
i too, was exhausted, wasted
the 30,000rm exam was looming
i cannot fail
i shelved the idea of life

God,
for months
the idea was at the back of my head
never the main topic
i rebuilt my life
i am starting to look at clouds and my blue sky
slowly bits and pieces
but it is still in progress
i am still mending my heart

i know i must grow up
fact remains as fact
there is no neverland
this is life
i must take away
my ego, &
my fantasies
to be an apprentice of life.


Bless me, dear god.