the milkyway above

-.-

2011-08-02T03:28:00.000+08:00

-.-

2011-07-10T00:20:00.001+08:00

"Renegades,
rule-breakers,
gangsters with scalpels.

This is the way we like to think of ourselves.
It makes us feel badass, sexy.
Problem is it's not exactly true.
At heart, we're rule followers,
sheep.
We don't break protocol.
We follow it to a "T."
Because if we don't follow protocol,
our patients die,
and then we're no longer badass.
We're just. Bad. "

-.-

2011-01-11T19:32:00.004+08:00

heartache, backache and headache

2010-11-05T23:28:00.011+08:00

when i was small,
my mummy and pa told me that i could be whatever i wanted to be
be it a princess or an ordinary folk
or an angel trying to reach the sky and touch the clouds
the destiny, ultimately is in my hands

1 year ago
when i was fresh out of medical school
with full of passion and drive
i was in a posting where broken bones, severed limbs and bone tumors
preoccupied my day
my heart and soul was, still preserved and quite intact at that time.

i vividly remember how E walked into the ward
a head full of hair
with a hearthy smile armed with deep dimples that lit up the room
he had no complaints although his diagnosis was grave
no complaints although he was in pain
no complaints, despite being three hundred kilometers away from his home
he knew. the therapy would take a year of his life,
and he took it with, just a smile

Today, this morning
i saw him in minor OT; 1 year later
such coincidence, an unplanned meeting.
unlike the counselling sessions we had by the 6th floor window over looking kuching
where we had talked about tin-football and his pineapple farm by the hill.
today was one of the many slaps of wake up call for.- me.

a pang of guillt hit me.
i had wanted to go with the flow. to regress; to turn into a heartless stone, an ice meatball.
it was this close of me giving up being nice. being caring from the bottom of my heart.
i had nearly. sink that low.

Talking to E again made me wake up rudely from a trance of ignorance
like a sick doctor being nursed back to health.
God really works in many many ways.
i missed so much events. the crying. the heart ache of near death. the sepsis.
and when i looked closely,
the smile, was replaced by a pasted one and it is obvioulys quite fake
his hair, was replaced with a shinny scalp
but his eyes shows contentment. and a ray of hope.
Tonight, afterall, is his last night here in SGH.

Time is what i lack.
with so much to care about
but so little time to digest the gist of it.
So much events
that if,
for just a moment you do not pay enough attention,
events flow like the water in the river
mercilessly across and away.
and it will never come back. anymore.
and all you end up is,
feeling like being dragged from the ankle by a thousand stallions with your arm outstretched digging into loose sand.

home.

2010-10-14T23:09:00.008+08:00

Signs and symptoms that you couldnt just ignore :-
(Because they just wouldn't go away).

1. unexplained lethargy
2. bipolar behaviour
3. substandard working performance
4. crazy speeches you give to friends
5. idiopathic nausea
6. inappriopriate spikes of body temperature
7. staring into the sky as if looking an angel

this is when,
your body is screaming
that you need to go home;
to rejuvenate
to recharge that empty heart of yours.
where you will feel all warm and comfy.
and where everything tastes right
feels right
like you are once again,
alive.

- -

2010-09-18T10:31:00.004+08:00

it is easy to loose our way
to take the horns and tail unknowingly
when we are walking blindly in this world
in a rush.
rushing.
as always. to some goal.
some goal that is so important
to achieve, we must.

one day you wake up to a weird room
a room you had no recollection of,
that you've been sleeping in for the past 1 year
never noticed,
how to wood carvings of the headboard looks like
or how in the world theres a hole peeking through the roof
or the pattern of the bed sheet you hurriedly bought one day
so soft to touch.

as i lay here.
so quiet, with only the sound of my breath,
then did i realize the phone in my palm looks amazingly great
and i've never noticed how it manages to reflect the sunlight that way.
did i slip into some time machine?
that erased all my consciousness?
of what is true and what is only a mirage?
what is good and what is evil?
what is polite and what is rude?

no, i did not scream at the nurse who woke me up
i didnt even pass any chilling remarks to her either
for callling the wrong number in this early morning during my offday

i guess.
i am awake.
i hope. i will stay awake like this.
careful not to slip into the pit of pressure riding fire everyone seems to be in
the kind of licking fire that takes away all the goodness in you
the kindness that all of us should have.
must have.
the gist of angels above.

Happy be-lated raya/merdeka; anyway. :D

istetoscope anybody?

2010-09-05T09:29:00.002+08:00

Imagine

2010-08-23T21:28:00.000+08:00

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

would i...

2010-08-19T18:29:00.014+08:00

---
we have a room
at the corner of a big tall building
with an enormous view of the city
and a large piece of. sky.

i sit there sometimes
with the air conditioner humming at the background
so quietsometimes just to watch the clouds change its shape
so distant yet it feels so close
like smoke bellowing sprouting in mid air
hovering mutely against the blue sky
drifting so peacefully
oblivious to the chaos beneath

the street, usually dotted with cars
so busy
rushing from one end to the other
or headless humans
walking briskly to someplace
not noticing the beauty of nature

occasionally a bird or two would sky dive
frolicking in against the wind
as if teasing me
to get myself my own pair of wings
yet all i could do is stare from a piece of window
gawking away
with an internal clock counting down to the last minute of rest time

i saw the first rain drop tapping against the window.
the rain drop slide off the glass,
shimmering as it went down because of. gravity.

then,
an epiphany dawn upon me

would i believe that we can see such beautiful things
if the retina did not exist?
humans would be gropping in darkness
ruling the world on fours
and the world would only be perceived via touch.

would i believe in the beautiful melodies
if the cochlear did not exist?
when i can only stare and imagine the tunes when the pianist hit the black and white keys
or the harpist strum the strings?
so desperately straining my ears
filling in the imaginary tones

would i..

Kopi Air and Discharge summaries..

2010-08-15T19:43:00.012+08:00

1am : I guess i was really gawking at the TV screen during my call in labour room
after i cheekily offered the new mother to be " nak tengok TV si? -- *followed by a big grin "
The JM timing contractions suddenly quipped, " bila Doktor kali terakhir tengok TV? "
Maybe i was indeed unconsciously drooling in front of the 32" flat screen panel the other night. Hee. Before i could answer, came the familiar "cEaserrrr roOM 7" and i was up on my feet outta the room.

3am: "okay so you hold the os like that and poke it like... this.."*smile smile demonstrating ARM to Sue the new girl round the block. What followed that a minute later, was, i was pulling out a healthy rigorously crying baby out.. careful not to cut my fingers with the cord scissors (gosh-who designed such clumsy scissors?!)

6am : Still in scrubs and most of the time, smelling of liquor, with a mint in my mouth to prevent me patients to collapse from my halitosis, "Heloo mama*with a toothy grin ". ada headache? pening? rasa muntah? darah banyak si? baby BO ? PU? ... susu ibu paling best... palpate touch touch tummy for uterus ... repeated x 1000

8am : strict face *but with a*smile smile - "ze pt is blar blar from bla land.. vital signs are stable...plan is to.....but i think..."

9am : dunking imaginary donuts into --the-worst-ever-but-it-is-free-so-bear-with it-hospital-supplied-coffee-water, **smiling to myself thinking har! KPI time is 11, right on time! completing discharge summaries (x100000) in hopefully break neck speed with shaz ...
and that's my life so far till 9am in the morning yesterday..

**smiling does make a difference.
i guess i had so-nearly turned into one of them ---the dr_CTMMs.
Bless my angels who are so kind for introducing me Aunty Fish and her wonderful blog.
She woke me up from my zombie slumber.
Reminding a simple thing.
To smile.
For that smile would cross all boundaries, imaginary or real;
warm up cold hearts even in the dead winter of human goo.

And yes indeed
yesterday was different.
I actually felt a warm feeling wash over me.
as i was walking to the car, pass the tennis court, beneath the noon sun, warm breeze and the beautiful ink blue sky dotted with cotton clouds .
i guess i was.
happy.
because of what i did for the past 24 hours?
most probably.

i think, therefore i am.

2010-05-15T21:43:00.005+08:00

Today after work, i went to The Hills, a rather uptown part for lunch by the balcony, looking at the horizons of kuching city. Well, only part of it. The air was crisp. It was a cloudy afternoon with fresh air after the rain. The kind that gives hope and showers a thin sliver lining on everything you see.

And. To think about things.
Things that later I found out were things debated and talked about by other great philosophers of “our” time.

Time since things were documented. It seems. Ha.

I stumbled upon this book. The Everything book of great thinkers.
It was when i caught eye of the new the Times outlet after the hearty lunch. The interior was sophisticated, lined with black bookshelves that invariably gives all the books it holds a “please read me!” shot. As i walked in, i felt the familiar thrill like opening up Christmas presents, and the aroma of new books so enticing.
Then, the comical book stood out.
Everything book huh.
Sceptical yet curious, i flipped it fast, catching a few of this and that. And i saw something by Descartes. I have to admit. I have zit. Nil. Zero. Idea who in the world is Descartes. But it was him who said the famous. “I think. Therefore i am”.
Something about Socratic debate.
Something about David Hume’s idea that we are merely electromagnetic chaotic storm of sensory impressions.
And the thing that tipped me over to spend Rm 54.89 was the part talking about comprehending the imcomprehensible; introduced by Immanuel Kant- as i had always wonder.

Wondering the imcomprehensible. That makes me think, am i going round in circles. Lost in the maze.
It’s like you know somethings there, but the absent-minded mind just could not put words in it.
It’s like time and space. Stars. Mind blowing things. When you micro-think about time, What is it actually? As represented by the ticking battery operated machine we call the clock? Is it something for you to keep track of the punch in punch out time for claims? Or it’s something that goes, unconsciously and mercilessly, until one day, you spot wrinkles on your forehead.

So much so. I do not know where to start or stop.

But at least, now, i know i am not alone.

- i think therefore i am, proves i exist. But i am imperfect. Flawed mortal man. If i were my own creator, naturally i would have made myself perfect. This proves that i did not create myself. And if i did not. Then who did?-

something worth watching.

2010-04-19T20:28:00.001+08:00

It's not about ipad or the new htc hd 2.
It's about the little blue dot in space,
and how small we really are.

- -

2010-02-11T22:46:00.008+08:00

Nearly 4 months ago,
from the moment i received that "dammed" letter instructing me to report to BTN camp,
followed by the rather unwelcome'd letter instructing me to report to SGH,
everything was a blur fast forwarded film.
i had to zoom down from KL to BP, and to catch the next flight bound for kuching..
mentally and physically drained,
i figure that i didn't gave a proper goodbye to anyone!

Suddenly, like an uprooted tree,
i felt the coldness surrounding me like a thin layer of over coat,
no matter how i try to smile, it felt fake to the core
disorientated, displaced and thrown to a very foreign place
with no place to stay,
no car to drive,
i felt i lost my wings,
but of course, during tagging time,
things were busy busy busy, and these feelings were shoved into a deep blackhole of nothingness

Day after day passed like rain drops falling down from the clouds
i told myself i must be happy, even for the slightest minimal appearing-not-to-be-significant things/events
I must get my roots back in place
then, slowly
we manage to get a place
my dear'old ford arrived in style
things were starting to improve
then badminton sessions started to materialize
i found new friends to joke with
people to hang out with
it felt like a ship with an anchor again

Ah...
these 4 months..
feels surreal.. nearly like a dream.

But today,
is the day to be remembered.

This very day,
i just want to watch the clock tick
counting down to the moment for me to board my flight to go home
it's like standing on top of a mountain watching sunrise.
its a great feeling.

after all,
I am going home

Oh..

2010-01-06T19:49:00.011+08:00

Being posted to RCBM isn't all play.

Here, away from all the hu-ha-ness,
away from the hustle bustle of human-beings and their unnecessary apparatus
away, deep in the forest, in silence..
i realize my veil has been lifted
i was able to think more clearly
or perhaps, sufficient sleep?
i felt like i am the patient,
locked in a room
nursing my own home-sickness and rethinking about human nature

But, of course, apart from that,
Here, i manage to uncover the ultimate secret behind why people fall down from trees..

Now, have you ever wondered why in the 1st place they are enticed into climbing that dangerous plant?
It's the rewards, of course!
Now check this out!
All the RAMBUTAN trees along any road are ripe, filled with magnetic juicy yummy RED red RED rambutans which are FREE FOR ALL.
I personally didn't realize how alluring the trees were..
until..
i saw it with my own eyes!
And i was like.. NO WAY!

Well, worry not,
as our loving government has the saying
"rakyat didahulukan, pencapaian diutamakan"

they had erected this BIG sign board beside the rambutan trees ->
so guys,
pay attention!
For godness sake, stop climbing!!

For-w-a-r-d!

2009-11-18T19:11:00.005+08:00

It's a weird feeling when a pt of mine asked,
how long i've been working
and the curt answer i had to give was
14 days.

off tagged, and i'm left to ponder about life again
time to spare and time to think
what am i going to do with my new life here
alone in sarawak with a bunch of new faces, new personalities.
HUS/SGH. the place i choose with my itchy itchy hands.
it's suddenly so quiet.
no sunny's jokes/laughter. no lippy's senyum sinis. no uma's kadavale.
no lalang's toothy smile.
the 2 weeks went by like a film on fast forward.
ppl crashing ppl dama-ing
and xinli turning incoherent.

i know,
its part of something called Change.
and with the spare time, the feeling of weirdness + emptyness creeps up.
It's not the 1st time, but it is certainly a major life changing event.
and i tend to retract back to the happy times i had in med school
with the most crazy bunch of friends - ah, the happy happy time we had.
the facial spasm. the stupid jokes. i. miss. you. all.
I hope i will not loose my smile as the days go by.

but, no matter what,
i know
we all have to move on.
for better or worst.
no matter rain or shine.

- -

2009-10-19T23:28:00.003+08:00

Sayonara syndrome is creeping up again; or has it been there all this while?

アンジェラ・アキ - 手紙～拝啓十五の君へ～
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
拝啓　この手紙読んでいるあなたは
Haikei, Kono tegami yonde iru anata wa
どこで何をしているのだろう
Doko de nani wo shite iru no darou

十五の僕には誰にも話せない
Juugo no boku ni wa dare nimo hanase nai
悩みの種があるのです
Nayami no tane ga aru no desu

未来の自分に当てて書く手紙なら
Mirai no jibun ni atete kaku tegami nara
きっと素直に打ち明けられるだろう
Kitto sunao ni uchiake rareru darou

今　負けそうで　泣きそうで
Ima makesou de nakisou de
消えてしまいそうな僕は
Kiete shimaisou na boku wa
誰の言葉を信じ歩けばいいの？
Dare no kotoba wo shinji arukeba ii no?
ひとつしかないこの胸が
Hitotsu shika nai kono mune ga
何度もばらばらに割れて
Nando mo barabara ni warete
苦しい中で今を生きている
Kurushii naka de ima wo ikite iru
今を生きている
Ima wo ikite iru

拝啓　ありがとう　十五のあなたに
Haikei, Arigatou juugo no anata ni
伝えたい事があるのです
Tsutaetai koto ga aru no desu

自分とは何でどこへ向かうべきか
Jibun to wa nani de doko e mukau beki ka
問い続ければ見えてくる
Toi tsudukere ba miete kuru

荒れた青春の海は厳しいけれど
Areta seishun no umi wa kibishii keredo
明日の岸辺へと　夢の舟よ進め
Asu no kishibe e to yume no fune yo susume

今　負けないで　泣かないで
Ima makenai de nakanai de
消えてしまいそうな時は
Kiete shimaisou na toki wa
自分の声を信じ歩けばいいの
Jibun no koe wo shinji arukeba ii no
大人の僕も傷ついて
Otona no boku mo kizu tsuite
眠れない夜はあるけど
Nemure nai yoru wa aru kedo
苦くて甘い今を生きている
Nigakute amai ima wo ikite iru

人生の全てに意味があるから
Jinsei no subete ni imi ga aru kara
恐れずにあなたの夢を育てて
Osorezu ni anata no yume wo sodatete

Keep on believing

負けそうで　泣きそうで
Makesou de nakisou de
消えてしまいそうな僕は
Kiete shimaisou na boku wa
誰の言葉を信じ歩けばいいの？
Dare no kotoba wo shinji arukeba ii no
ああ　負けないで　泣かないで
Aa Makenai de nakanai de
消えてしまいそうな時は
Kiete shimaisou na toki wa
自分の声を信じ歩けばいいの
Jibun no koe wo shinji arukeba ii no
いつの時代も悲しみを
Itsu no jidai mo kanashimi wo
避けては通れないけれど
Sakete wa toorenai keredo
笑顔を見せて　今を生きてゆこう
Egao wo misete ima wo ikite yukou
今を生きてゆこう
Ima wo ikite yukou

拝啓　この手紙読んでいるあなたが
Haikei, Kono tegami yonde iru anata ga
幸せなことを願います
Shiawase na koto wo negai masu

---------- (English Translation.) ----------
Dear you, Who's reading this letter
Where are you and what are you doing now?
For me who's 15 years old

There are seeds of worries I can't tell anyone
If it's a letter addressed to my future self,
Surely I can confide truly to myself

Now, it seems that I'm about to be defeated and cry
For someone who's seemingly about to disappear
Whose words should I believe in?

This one-and-only heart has been broken so many times
In the midst of this pain, I live the Present
I live the present

Dear you, Thank you
I have something to tell the 15 year old you
If you coutinue asking what and where you should be going

You'll be able to see the answer
The rough seas of youth may be tough But row your boat of dreams on
Towards the shores of tomorrow
Now, please don't be defeated and please don'tshed tear
During these times when you're seemingly about to disappear
Just believe in your own voice
For me as an adult, there ara sleepless nights when I'm hurt
But I'm living the bittersweet present

There's meaning to everything in life
So build your dreames without fear

Keep on bilieving

Seems like I'm about to be defeated and cry
For someone who's seemingly about to disappear
Whose words should I believe in?
Please don't be defeated and please don't shed a tear
During these times when you're seemingly about to disappear
Just believe in your own voice
There's no running away from sorrow

So show your smile, and go on living the present
Go on living the present

Dear you, Who's reading this letter
I wish you happiness
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Humans..

2009-09-24T02:13:00.004+08:00

I just finished "the boy in striped pajamas" , the movie directed by Mark Herman.
The movie was fabulous, and it ought to be awarded of some sort of prize. It captures the regime of the Nazis through a set of an 8year-old boy's eyes perfectly.

Anyone who loves thought provoking movies should watch this. It would definitely set off ideas and thoughts that is currently submerging in your sub-conscious mind.

I wonder if i could get back to bed. This show has sent the familiar spine chilling feeling that i have, always, after seeing how herds of Jews were killed in chambers. It is truly insane, --how inhumane people could turn into when they are blinded by faith. The type of faith and trust in a man that successfully addressed the inner fears of humans; and how we just need a single, charismatic person to ignite hatred, sow seeds of anger and "the so-called-patriotism" against another human kind.

It was.. unspeakable. If there are indeed Gods above, what would they think of us?

Ze trip to Kuching

2009-09-14T20:22:00.015+08:00

I never thought that i would actually join my lelong, lalang, their respective bffs, my super cfcs partner and my newly discovered youngest coolest macik saudara to the land of the Cats -The miow miow city. :D

Oh well. I didn't actually get to see lots and lots of cats loitering in the streets, but what i did discovered is, kuching aint that "ulu" and tiny as I expected. (yes. xinli is geography blind )
Kuching's HUGE! Everything is humungeous! The houses. The Library. Imagine, you could actually build a house on top of the round about! Wohoo.

And, the thing about traveling with a group of friends is that you will coincidently discover the usually well hidden side of themselves.

I discovered a lot of interesting traits of others during this trip. The cute. The funny. The hilarious side of others. The deep thoughts. The motherly side. The protective side. Ah. things that i never knew. or should i put it as , things that i thought i knew, but was proved otherwise.
Ok.. enough blabbing..now, on to the much awaited pictures -!

See! we are not that heavy after all!

Everybody! Strike a pose!
Ah.. lalang 's trying to kill me! :p

Flying crocodile in action

Cannibalism. urgh.
Action packed shows!
Orang utans in action. I heard, 1 of them is actually Edwin.
Darlie advertisementT's neighbour's doggieFOOD; @ buka puasa time~

This trip was blessed with 2 honey-sweet angels, who spent their precious time and money with us. A special thanks and muaks to you guys! Thank you soooo much!

A very potter musical

2009-09-03T23:11:00.002+08:00

If you are a harry potter fan,
you are definitely going to love this!

Happiness; redefined

2009-08-10T15:00:00.010+08:00

I did it.
I made it through the 5 years.
The 5crucial years of my life.
With the unwavering support from my pa and ma
Where i transcend from a shy teenager to a young adult.
Where i was filled from an empty bin to a sponge heavy with anatomy, physiology and a range of knowledge to heal and treat diseases
where i met teachers, doctors, professors, patients, people from all walks of life that would certainly leave a mark in my life.
they had improved me into a much greater level than i thought i would achieve.
they taught me about life. about inequalities. about religion. about happiness. about impermanence and change. about philosophy. about sports. about greeting the cleaner. about karaoke. about attire. about smell. about astronomy. about things other than the all-important-medical stuff.
in which a "thank you' would never be enough to express the gratitude and appreciation i have.

Here, i found friends. people that shared and made memories with me. shed tears with. had facial spasms due to uncontrollable laughter with. cooked with. celebrated birthdays with. danced with. visited various foodstalls with. ate dominos with. shared heart wrenching episodes together. people that taught me new vocabulary. invented new syndromes. rocked msn with. i found friends; friends that found a way into my heart. in which i will cherish forever.

Happy hols :)

countdown begins at T -10

2009-07-25T14:50:00.006+08:00

c107,
Ganbatte kudasai!!

The sayonara syndrome

2009-07-19T00:23:00.007+08:00

MSN chatting is not all about gossip.
It could be intellectual at times.
Here, ~~lalang and i~~ we hatched the idea of the Sayonara Syndrome**
In which, I believe that all the symptoms described in the previous Glacius* post, fit its criteria.

The Saynonara syndrome
Pathophysiology : suppression of overwhelming sadness with a tinge of self denial and realization of impermanence

Risk factors : 1. schooling for quarter of a century 2. medical students ~~like us~~

Etiology : pressure of ending school + looming exam + porties + parting with friends

Symptoms : 1. incoherent speech 2. flight of ideas 3. mood swings 4.sudden facial changes 5. self isolation

Mgx : 1. lots of social support 2. suggests individual to focus on exam 3. pharmacology treatment is strongly not recommended as it blunts the necessary intelligence for preparations of exam.

Prognosis : Good, resolves with time.

[*Glacius is a freezing spell in the Potter world ]

Glacius

2009-07-18T00:43:00.007+08:00

Sometimes I feel that life is passing me by,
not slowly either,
but with ropes of steam and spark-spattered wheels
and a hoarse roar of power or terror.
It's passing, yet I'm the one
who's doing all the moving.
~Martin Amis

The feeling im having is weird.
down-right weird.
my mind is slowing everyday to a slow motion

the etiology is not from the stress of the looming exam,
and it's certainly not love (rolls eyes; who has time for this?!)
but more of
the idea of being thrown into the real world,
parting with friends that i've made in this 5 years,
leaving buddies tat make me laugh until i have facial spasm..
packing my bags to say goodbye to home sweet home again..
leaving school for the 1st time in nearly a quarter of my life..

it doesn't feel like being stuffed into a pressure cooker,
and it certainly doesn't feel like dying
it's ... weird indescribable feeling of utter blah.
its like im anticipating for the next page,
the next chapter,
to progress,
to spread my wings and fly,

but at the same time,
deep within the gray matter..
i know that i'll be nostalgic of this chapter of my life
i realize i'm secretly hoping that time will just freeze.
stop. pause. whatever. just make it last longer..

time waits for no one,
but, ah.. with the potter mania; magic, perhaps?

Fate binds us all

2009-07-05T01:45:00.010+08:00

The thing about "working" at hometowns is that,
inevitably, you'll bound to meet someone you know

- xinli

For the 1st time ever, my 12-hour oncall was so meaningful.
It was way better than filling up that few spaces of my log book.
Yesterday, apart from getting to know ~~kaklong&kaklang~~ my friends better, I was extremely happy about what had happened. And it's really simple joy+shock+ekkz that prompted me to blog about it.

It was like, wow! omg! walking into a flash bang at 2am in the morning sorta thing.
No warnings. No flash lights.
Pure jodoh

The thing was,

i met my long lost primary school friend.

we never met after we part ways after primary 6.
I went to Convent, while she went to Chinese High School.
The circumstances that we met that day was simply outta this world!!

Never had i imagined that i would meet her again,
when she's in labour, for her THIRD child! 3rd! tiga! @,@

it's been 13 years since we met.
And if you are doing the calculations,
I was 11 when i was in primary 6.
13 years.
13 years down the road.
she has 3 kids + loving husband.
while i on the contrary is practically kid-less+zero-lovelife.
we have such a different life.
even though we had the same education for 6 years.

Ah...
You just can't beat jodoh
and the invisible string that binds us all together.

The professional juggler

2009-07-03T17:00:00.008+08:00

I feel like an overflow-ed reservoir
I have lots to say, lots. Tonnes, Noones and Zonnes ( ok, i made this up :p )

A lot has been happening lately
its like balancing my weight on the tip of an iceberg
on the digitus minimus
while being bombarded by asteroids

Portfolios,
life events,
the near ending of another chapter of my life,
being awake for 24 hours straight and still having to answer to Questions posed by dr_K during class,
delivering,
resuscitating,
keeping a straight-alert face when in fact im-so-dead-tired , scrubbing in with the yellow hat,
snatching the scissor from the HO to cut the sutures,
counting down to the FINAL exam... is ........... ---
ah .
the aiyo-kadavale(taught by uma)-indescribable-exhilirating grey-matter stretching-experience.

And.. I know, i know, its going to get more and more intense as the final weeks creep in,
but i still cant shake off the idea that these experiences would be a really good material to laugh about during our 40 years reunion.

Fore!

R.I.P MJ

2009-07-02T00:06:00.001+08:00

xinli is very much in the portfolio frenzy now = no time to talk / blog / sleep :(

Wa..what in the world?

2009-05-05T22:29:00.001+08:00

Talking dogs!

cheers

2009-04-28T21:20:00.002+08:00

2 months to adjust and back to swimming routine :)

Do you have 1 hour and 40 minutes to spare?

2009-04-12T23:01:00.001+08:00

If you can spare 1 hour and 40 minutes and you just love mcdonalds,
watch this free movie : super size me ;
see what happens to this guy who took mcD 3 times per day for 30 days!

The art of fishing

2009-04-03T20:12:00.018+08:00

In semester 10, we are required to learn the fine art of fishing and its humongous secret(s).
Yes, and i do mean fishing.

Well, you see,
before all of us graduate into the real world,
first and foremost,
we gotta learn something
something to survive out there

And, this holy task of educating us to be top notched imu grads,
is devised in a way that not many could understand..
well basically, the task the admin ppl had to do
was to throw us to H. Batu Pahat,
to learn.. LEarn.. LEARN...it!

but... learn wa-what?

Simple.
We were required to ~~write up~~ catch ten ~~cases~~ big rare/interesting fish-ies..
well, initially, 10 does sound like an easy task,
come on, i could easily net 10 in a month in seremban!
what's the big deal!? - so. i. thought.

Hence,
armed with good spirits, some fishing rods, some cacings and sampans we took from seremban..
we waited...
and waited...
and waited.....

Not long,
we came to our senses to realize that ~~interesting cases~~ big fishes are scarce
Suspicion amongst us grew like wild fire.. who is catching all the fish-ies?
Did some use bigger more canggih super fish nets while some others are using kampung style fishing rods?
Did they arm themselves with ultrasound guides?
Or did some built their own fish farms?

Ahh...
Out of desperation and fear..
We all failed to see the big picture.
the reason was s i m p l e.
it was a small pond,
the fishes were limited. the demand outweighs the supply.
We just got to be patient and have faith.

But, it wasn't that easy to learn new things.. things that you thought you knew, but wasn't tested.
i too realize that my angels were on holiday starting from 2nd week onwards..
i got nothing but ~~broken bones, head contussion, rib fractures~~ tins cans, twigs, boots, false alarms, and not to mention falling into the cold water for a few times. Jumbled together with the roller coster adrenaline charged rides you get, when you suddenly feel a tug (gasp) - immediately your spirits run high thinking :yeah finally its my turn and im getting 1!! but it crashed down so badly when you realize it has already bitten somebody's cacings..

Oh anyway..
as the saying goes, Everything comes gradually and at its appointed hour.
i caught one biggy during the last 3 days of my posting! yea! after 4 weeks of tincans-twigs-boots-of DRAUGHT!
so adding to the 1 biggy during the very first week, i'm now safely in comfort zone.
Phew, was that close! my angels came back just in time!

So, did the holy plan managed to educate us ?
Hopefully.
Instilling
patience.
absolute faith in your guardian angles
and to accept that life isn't always fair, for some hidden reasons that we couldn't possibly understand.
to us ego-maniacs-knuckle heads.. would certainly not be an easy task..

but hey, we are not yet old dogs who can't learn new tricks right?

Sex, lies and bullshit

2009-03-31T21:26:00.018+08:00

Well, except for the sex.

Sometimes, for a moment, i tend to forget that i am actually studying in a medical school. where people are supposed to be angels and saints.
Maybe i should have just gone into law school , or meet the devil himself and learn to be a real tough mut.

Blame it on me, maybe i've set my standards too high. maybe this is the real deal.. it's just the tip of the ice berg of what it is happening in the real world. Where people spread lies lies and lies to tarnish a person or, backstabbing is nothing but bread and butter to survive? And, ah... not forgetting the juicy gossips. Where the thin line between truth and lies are blurred and altered beyond recognition. White becomes black and black becomes white; you can't tell which is which. And in the end, we all ended up as sluggish grey.

Is this what we are? The future? The people to lead? To invent? To make a better world?
Where is the dignity? Where are the standards? where where where?! Under the bed perhaps? Or, as i always say, it's just a self protective mechanism?
to be offensive, to protect thee self? Aren't we great minds who think? synthesize theories? Haven't we all heard of - Great minds discuss ideas, mediocre minds discuss events and small minds discuss personalities?

I was hoping for a change.
Yeah right.
some changes
We must advance. Advocate good. Not to whiter and go along whatsoever, to be mindless bull dungs who degenerate and downgrade ourselves to be cannon balls.
Where's your conscience? Have you forgotten why you are here in the first place?
We are supposed to be the crystal balls, the great minds! Duh!

design your IMU kampung angkat 09 t-shirt

2009-03-23T17:52:00.005+08:00

Your idea is highly anticipated and appreciated!
Email your idea to : Kampung.angkat@imu.edu.my
Deadline : 4th May 2009
Any queries? contact me :) or kasemsuk
T-shirt template:

Required to insert :

Random thoughts.

2009-03-15T01:54:00.009+08:00

this life,
is nothing but a film,
written
directed,
acted,
by the same person.

a song,
compossed,
and sung
by the same person.

in a fleeting moment
and it's gone,
over,
like a scent in the wind.

so beautiful,
yet
so sad.

-xinli at 2am -

Have you heard of the Tokelau Islands?

2009-03-08T01:10:00.004+08:00

Honestly, before today, i didn't even know it existed!
I guess most of us don't know either, it being a group of small islands 32 hours away from new zealand! ...

So, realizing this fact, the residents of tokelau islands thought of an ingenious way to promote their islands
that is,
to provide FREE domains to anyone who needs it.
the domain names that you had spent nights to dream of having,
that special dot.com name that you want,
but, reluctant to spend a dime on it kinda thing,
so, here at dot tk ,
you can now dream of having it Eg, www.xinli.tk or www.anythingyouwant.tk or www.yournamehere.tk
( man, do i sound like a desperate salesperson! ; but good things are meant to be shared, ya?)

well, it doesn't host your website there at dot tk, so you can still retain your original weblink and just direct your new address to the old site. Saves you the time of rebuilding another site eh?
anyway, have fun peeps!

I'm home

2009-03-01T23:21:00.005+08:00

Bliss, in the heart

An Indescribable feeling :-)

MEQ rush

2009-02-11T13:24:00.002+08:00

"MEQ are modified essay questions, set in a way so that you are able to redeem yourself" said dr.sara during the start of the marathon of 4-6minutes per paper.
what a rush of adrenaline!!
Anyways.. 1 down, 3 to go~ next stop, ospe!~
gambate gambate!

Wanna know how much your website is worth?

2009-01-24T18:07:00.003+08:00

This site actually calculates how much you can sell your website* for!!
Be hardworking and maybe you can get your own golden retriever :P
* website = ie - www. xxx / yahoo / xinli . com.
www.xxxx.blogspot / wordpress.com is not applicable though..

:) have fun~
and,
HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR dudes!

Nothing but the truth

2009-01-09T18:34:00.006+08:00

white lie or "black lie" is still a lie
and what do you call a person who lies?
a liar.

I support honesty.
because being honest means
i can sleep well,
eat well
sing with the correct tune,
and not being scared of something under the covers which would haunt me for life.

It is often easier said than done.
and every time you make a promise to god,
to be honest and true to yourself,
He would think of ways and means to test your promise.

So, this is the mess i perfectly plant myself into,
to tire myself out, dead exhausted one night..
missing the rounds the other morning,
apart from getting a ear full from my housemate and close friends,
i have to write a very formal letter to explain this absence...
hence armed with this at the very back of my head,
i shall put my best foot forwards,
to be down right honest
with no nonsense
no excuses
and no justifications.

It would be just it.

Nickelback "gotta be somebody"

How true..

2008-12-06T00:01:00.004+08:00

All I Ever Really Needed to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten -Robert Fulgham

Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what
to do, and how to be, I learned in Kindergarten. Wisdom was not at
the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox
at nursery school.

These are the things I learned..

Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back
where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things
that aren't yours. Say sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your
hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good
for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw
and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.

Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world,
watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of
wonder. Remember the little seed in the plastic cup? The roots go
down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but
we are all like that.

Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in
the plastic cup - they all die. So do we.

And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first
word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you
need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and
basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and sane living.

Think of what a better world it would be if we all - the whole
world had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then
lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy
in our nation and other nations to always put things back where we
found them and cleaned up our own messes. And it is still true, no
matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best
to hold hands and stick together.

7 weeks to go till that exam
everything else seems so insignificant now..
It feels like this: meditating with no oxygen..

It's beautiful

2008-12-05T23:22:00.003+08:00

Today,
right after CME,
i reported to the sister's room before joing Ms. J in the OT
and i stumbled upon this hanging in her room,
starring, and waving frantically back at me .. well.. literally..

I do my thing and
you do your thing
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
and you are not in this world to live up to mine.

You are you
and I am I

and if by chance we find each other,
it's beautiful."

i wasn't spying or anything, just that the room was empty and i was simply looking around :p

Furball

2008-11-09T10:55:00.004+08:00

To quell my undying ~~craving~~ love for a golden retriever ..
I've decided to settle for something small and furry
while i save and stock up my $ vault
*grins* i am buying myself a hammie *grins*

I'm a .. what?

2008-11-08T01:07:00.000+08:00

You Are a Pear

You are independent, intelligent, and a free thinker.

You can accomplish great things, especially when you do them on your own.

You are direct, honest, and sometimes even a bit brutal.

There's not much that gets in the way of you and your ambition.

While you are hard nosed, you do have a much sweeter side to you.

It takes times for you to soften toward someone, but once you do, you'll be their friend for life.

What Type of Fruit Are You?

I have a crush on ... Obama

2008-11-06T21:46:00.005+08:00

I am honored to live to this day,
to be able to see a black man being elected as the president of the united states
to see impossible things becoming reality

This points to only one thing--
anything is possible.
A N Y T H I N G
as long as you put your heart and soul in
it'll be crafted to what you want

Yes, We can.
After all, we are the new generation of Love and Hope.
Yes, we can.

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.

Yes we can.

It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom.

Yes we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.

Yes we can.

It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballots; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality.

Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.

Yes we can heal this nation.

Yes we can repair this world.

Yes we can.

We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics...they will only grow louder and more dissonant ........... We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.

But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.

Now the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea --

Inspiring, isn't it?
His full speech here

Yiks

2008-11-01T23:43:00.010+08:00

State of my mind now -> totally caught off guard

Well, this is how it started
Right after gyne's mini test on thursday,
as i was walking down the lane surrounded by some trees.. a gust of wind blew
like in the movie - the happening
i got infected..infected by an incurable disease
and this bug is happily eating me up
like a kid enjoying his first McDonald' meal
crunching the bones in a synchronous melody

Ah...
this disease keeps resurfacing in my conscious thought..
it's taking up all my time
i keep thinking about it... ahhhhhh.... help!!

oh cut the crap!
What is it?!

THIS
THIS THIS THIS
::sweat sweat::
this is the problem!
I want a doggie
A golden retriever.
And this thought is driving me nuts!!

and the biggest hurdle to it is
$$$$$$ -
after hours researching regarding this dog,
i found out that 1 pup costs about 1-2 thousand!
yes! thousand!!! *rolls eyes*
it's the same price as my O2 for goodness sake!
i'll have to rake out my stash to cure this disease

ahh..

Motivasi

2008-10-24T19:52:00.002+08:00

当我和世界不一样那就让我不一样

坚持对我来说就是以刚克刚

我如果对自己不行如果对自己说谎

即使你不原谅我也不能原谅

最美的愿望一定最疯狂

我就是我自己的神在我活的地方

我和我最后的倔强握紧双手绝对不放

下一站是不是天堂就算失望不能绝望

我和我骄傲的倔强我在风中大声的唱

这一次为自己疯狂就这一次我和我的倔强

对爱我的人别紧张我的固执很善良

我的手越肮脏眼神越是发光

你不在乎我的过往看到了我的翅膀

你说被火烧过才能出现凤凰

逆风的方向更适合飞翔

我不怕千万人阻挡只怕自己投降

我和我最后的倔强握紧双手绝对不放

下一站是不是天堂就算失望不能绝望

我和我骄傲的倔强我在风中大声的唱

这一次为自己疯狂就这一次我和我的倔强

就这一次让我大声唱

Hari Raya Open House

2008-10-19T17:10:00.004+08:00

During this raya..
I managed to squeeze two Raya Open house events into my tight Gyne posting
The first one was just opposite my house -- Hajar's open house.. Ahem.. Hajar had a migraine attack on that Friday morning because she had to cook something for it!! Imagine the stress the organizers had on that day!
Anyways, the home-cooked food was delicious, Zarul's son was super cute and it was really a great time for most the M204s to get together amidst the crazy schedule of Sem9!

Beauties..
Beauties take 2
Cheeze!

While we all ate and ate...
Nana was busy washing and washing!! Gasp!

Adila with Zarul Junior..Group picture..
To all the Hajaropenhouse organizers.. thanks for the greaat food!

2nd Open House was on this sunday afternoon--my cfcs patient's. Because my colleague- huichen had to cover her ward during the afternoon, i drove there myself, and was greeted with a whole lot of food! yummy sotos, lontongs, and lemangs.. just delicious.. Senawang people really cook A star sotos! Before i came back, Pn_N gave me 2 of these, one for me and the other for huichen..

Inside were yummy food! Conclusion?
I had a really great makan-hariraya! :)

Barbie doll

2008-10-13T21:01:00.003+08:00

Sometimes i wonder, when i look into the sky, the stars ignore me as they continue to blink in their own existence.
I start a monologue with them, asking,
when would everybody truly realize that we are not plastics?
Our heart is of muscles and blood, and not chemical components synthesized in the lab.
We are alive. We breath. We think.
But no,
most people would still love to look at nice looking things
people would never reject the beauty king or queen for a dance
people would still continue to bully ugly betty even betty has the heart of gold in that show..

It troubles me,
is this a natural selection process?
The beautiful should survive, let away all the uglies
So, is this why people still judge by the appearances?
In which they are practically blind that they cannot look beyond the outer glass of the gift wrapper?
Maybe there were some technical glitch in our genetic codes
Our communication fibers in our brain just can't code ugly objects
Or, maybe we should blame all the tv shows that associate thin, long nose, curvey bouncy hair to nobility, nice, and great?

This should never be held true..
There's a thing called aging,
which in my community,
none of them never seriously think that this event would befall any of them.
Aging.. the sagging of breasts... the loss of hair... fat pads spontaneously appearing out of nowhere...
Nobody escapes them, unless, you pray hard and God qualifies that you deserve to die prematurely
So, that's why,
I support ugly betty.
Because she has a heart of gold.
and that the heart would only grow more gorgeous by the day, and would remain as such..
whereas our plastic appearances would sag, wither and die off.

LOL from my inbox...

2008-10-06T00:22:00.003+08:00

The Strangest Wal Mart Customer

Dear Mrs. Denner,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Denner are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in House-wares. Get on it right away.”

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

September 14: Moved a “CAUTION - WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

Once again we cannot tolerate this behaviour in our store.

Regards, Wal-Mart

2008-09-26T19:28:00.001+08:00

xinli's daydream

2008-09-26T18:23:00.007+08:00

if i have a money plant..
i would first figure out how to multiply them :P
i will also pluck some cash and deposit in the bank to let it grow interest.. hehehe
pay off my loan
give house with land, and a franchise, for each of my family members :D
buy a yatch, sail around the world!

if i have a wishing feather
i would adopt 3 puppies, 2 kittens and 1 horse
enroll myself to a language class
buy a ferrari sports car,
design my own line of clothes
build an indoor tennis court and swimming pool!
learn how to scuba dive
give xueli the bow she dreams to have it
have a grand piano

if i have the power
i would build hospitals and run it my way
give out scholarships to students with a vision
help build a clean world
have 15 minutes with God
set up a shelter (with free food ! food is important!!) for the poor and the needy, the homeless animals and children.
invest in environmental friendly projects
invent something useful to humans
sponsor space exploration programs
set up a medical bookstore and sell books at discounted prices
sponsor new book writers
construct a drug lab
find out what goes after death

shutting out the noise

2008-09-23T15:57:00.006+08:00

It's been an hour..

My neighbor is drilling the wall which my room shares and the noise is skull crunching (and yes, i meant crunching munching).
The burglar alarm right opposite my house has a self timer that ticks off at exactly 3.00pm daily, and would be blaring off its vocals for another one dreadful hour.
They are in sync. Hand in hand taking the street as the stage, singing and crooning like all of us here especially the-other-neighbor-who-came-back-for-a-nap cheering them to go on for the world cup.

Now, I have to confess, i never really did appreciated silence.
Everything at anytime should have some sort of sound.
When i walk down the lane to my "personal car park" in IMU, i'll expect some chirping from the birds with a background of fine rustling of the wind combing through the trees nearby. If not, i would plug in my loveybaby i-pod to listen to some music.

At this moment.. i really really need silence. They are seriously challenging this... silence; which i obviously did not gave much thought. My ears are starting to hurt.. the noise must be reaching 120 decibles. In torture chambers on enemy grounds, people use Noise as a tool for torture. It drives the spies to their wits ends. And trust me, they definitely will confess to anything!

Between the devil and the deep blue sea

2008-09-22T14:11:00.003+08:00

"History is written by those who hanged the heroes"

Oh yes that would be true during the 60s
when people had to write letters on a real paper,
using a real ink pen
and that they had to tune to radio that actually crackles
and to watch much delayed news on a black and white television in the only house of the kampung.

After 50 years
In the age of free flow of information
Stories are written by both heroes and villains

Now, the real problem arises
Because,
1. we, the rakyat are neither the heroes or the villains, we are just conveniently sandwiched in-between!!
2. both the hero and the villain are bad actors but great writers. Both sides are so convincing that it is difficult to distinguish one from another!

Read this yourself.
May13-the real story?
1, 2, 3
Caution:
*Use following ingredients when reading
1. Lots of brain juice
2. Wisdom +
3. Intelligence +
4. Self control
* Swearing is permitted
* Cross reference to any history books ( Form 3-Form 6) is encouraged

ah.. I'll say, be patient... just wait and see, for more drama...

Twinkle

2008-09-18T18:00:00.003+08:00

:-)
It works!

i am waiting...

2008-09-17T23:48:00.006+08:00

A great man draws a circle around himself, and protects himself.
A greater man draws a circle around himself and people who are important to him, and protects them.
The greatest man draws a circle around everybody and protects them.

Using the normal distribution graph, well, most of us would fall under the 2nd category. Once in a while, when the moon turns blue and the cows jumps over it, there would be 1 or 2, okay or maybe 3 occasions that you meet the greatest man.

Well, I was thinking, the greatest man would be really really magnificent and, he could even be hailed as a saint, because to draw a circle around everybody really does require strength, courage and resilience! And, okay, a lot of pencil. He would have to be deaf to all the mockery that people are going to throw at him and also to be mute, as not to retaliate them, all because he choose to be ignorant of the rules of the jungle.

The circle would include everybody!
You and me!
People we do not know! People whom we never seen!
Everybody, from the best to the worst.

However, the worst of the worst sort would be hypocrites ( defined as people who are masters of pretenders) , and opportunists ( people who keep everything to themselves and yet, expects you to give them all when there is an opportunity, thus depriving your piece of fair share).

Now, why would i say they would be the yucky-est of all? They remain in the backdrop, staying invisible, sometimes acting like a gut parasite that keeps on sucking your blood silently, until one day, you feel dizzy and drop dead because you lack blood. Okay, I am exaggerating a bit too much. You will not die because of that. But the message is clear. Even if you are a saint, we still cannot avoid these parasites.

It is sad to see that in the realistic world, the jungle rule, well rules. The strong will be supported. The weak shall be trampled.

Sigh.
Whoever said growing up was easy is lying.
Now, would the greatest man appear and please change this rule?

Give me an attitude

2008-09-15T14:44:00.009+08:00

Nowadays, with the advancement of technology, there is a thing called model engineering.

Scientist creates things accordingly to what they want. The shape, the colour, the sizes... They would put things into categories and slots so that the thing will be grown to the expected outcome.

But, some of these enthusiastic scientists, well, i’ll say, that they are too engrossed and overly excited in this whole process that now, they have unmitigated their theory of nurturing, to the ~~students~~ plants.

In this process plants are assessed and divided. Well, there is this smart plant division. They are put into a jar and expected to glow. Shine like the star. Good for them. ~~And yes, they’ll grow, hopefully not their head or noses only.~~ Then, there is also the not-so-smart and “lazy” plant category. They are lazy as opposed to stupid which, the scientist think is too vulgar a word.

So here they are, being put into a container, very pretty much against their will. Come on, who would want to be put into a dark container, and being labelled as “needs help”. They’ll be laughed at and sniggered!! “ah.. this jar would know the answer to this questions.. i’ll ask .... emm... this jar instead! (pointing at the black jars) ...”. But still, whatever the scientist did, deep within them, i know that they sincerely hope that the plants would grow into something beautiful.

Maybe this way of training has its good points. The “needs help” jar plants would grow into tougher plants, although for sure, they will definitely bear eternal loathing against whoever who jarred them.

But, firstly, did you wonder why should the “plants” be put into little jars, determined by their present potential?

Is the current performance a ruler to measure a person’s worth in 10, 20 years down the road? Every successful head-hunter knows that the biggest trick in scooping up a big talent is to consider the hidden potential beneath that personality. What you say about me or think what i am now, most probably would not be the me in the next century. I might be a high flyer now, but does this confirm my success in the near future?

We are not plants and we are certainly not going to subject ourselves into imaginary confinement of a jar. We are not things that can be molded willingly. We are living beings with emotions and a mind. We have endless possibilities with the sky as our limit. Every one of us can grow into various beautiful things. And it is up to ourselves to assign our own definition of beautiful.

Take Microsoft’s founder for instance, had Bill Gates subject himself to the jar and fell into the pit of depression and humiliation, Windows would only mean a glass built into a wall to admit light or air into the house!!

So, should we be classified and put into jars that'll actually hinder our growth!?

Have you heard about the Large Hadron Collider?

2008-09-12T22:51:00.006+08:00

The large hadron collider is what every physicist dreamed of building. The ultimate collider will speed protons in opposite directions to up to 99.999( can put as many 9s here)% of the speed of light, which is 299 792 458 m/s , in order to make them bang into each other, hoping that this would generate new particles.

It is now beneath the grounds of Geneva, and it is now turned on! It is expected to unlock mysteries, to tell us things we never knew of... the next "Einstein" theory would soon be an open secret! How exciting!!!

Now..
Why would i be so interested in this... *ahem* ..hadron collider?
the reason is plain simple la..
I love physics!
During STPM, i took 5 subjects apart from the normal Biology and Chemistry.
Great friends of mine, Wendy and Siow Mei would have to stay back on fridays to do the experiments. Certainly a great time back then..

The theory of inertia. E=mc2. Hook's theory. it simply facinates me, and all are living proof happening around us. So this new machine which is expected to generate many many theories and the excitement of discovering the new dimension (except the usual right, left, up, down) is simply a thrilling news!

Oh well. Yes, there's been news that this Collider would also create black holes underneath Geneva and ultimately leading to our earth's doom. Yes. yes. Critics. Comfort zone lovers.
We have to dare take the risks to discover new things. If our fore-fathers were all too afraid to try things out, we would be static, aka non-moving. We would be stuck at that "Age" for a loooong time. So, whatever risks there is, we would have to risk it, but well, of course with the necessary precautions, back lanes/nets.. whatever you call it..

So... to the people working at the Collider, hope to hear great news from all of you soon!

p/s: while people there are working their arses of, cracking codes of physics, we are here ... bickering amongst ourselves.. some trying so hard to start a riot...sigh... when will we be more matured and to be more focused on more important things, like stuff that will actually improve the quality of human life??

Give me a day.... i would like to marry the 2 beauties - medicine and physics together!!

Just another intriguing thought.

2008-09-06T22:58:00.008+08:00

we are called homo sapiens,
we are one species,
we stand together with love binding us together as one

Ask me
of my 23 years of life,
i have never seen a black ant attacking another ant
i have never seen a pigeon plotting to kill off another pigeon
the chickens can even live happily with a duck

And,
here we are
the mighty humans
bickering away among ourselves
debating who is mightier

this is self-annihilating,
pulling another Hitler..

to think of it,
if there were aliens looking at us through their super scopes
we must be a really big joke
and God must be sobbing away with the angels

we are humans
humans on this one earth we have
our home,
our earth,
our family.

Let us all hope that the dark clouds of racial prejudice will soon pass away,
and that in some not too distant tomorrow the radiant stars of love and brotherhood will shine over our great nation with all their scintillating beauty.

- Martin Luther King, Jr

related links:
out of eden
populating earth : the journey of mankind

Deep in the night..

2008-08-31T00:37:00.006+08:00

- Oscillation -

Change.
Its all what we talk about now.
"Look how big you've grown!" "Oh.. you.. are so different.. now.."
Be it size or shape,
mentalities,
beliefs,
we are constantly changing,
never static at one point,
thanks to the "insults" from the environment..
that is why pre-judgement has no place at all..
we are evolving by the micro-second
never the same before

- Merdeka -

Malaysia..
You are a beautiful country
the crystal clear water
breath-taking hills of scenery
with no residing earthquake points
or bewildered winds
native people have hearts of gold
values that go so deep
I would give my life to protect you and would not have a 2nd thought
I am deaf to those who wants to divide and rule
This is my home
I love you..
Happy 51st, Malaysia.

Here in my home :

by: Malaysian Artistes For Unity
Lyrics:

HERE IN MY HOME

Verse 1

Hold on brother hold on

The road is long. We’re on stony ground

But I’m strong. You ain’t heavy

Verse 2

Oh there’s a misspoken truth that lies

Colors don’t bind, oh no.

What do they know? They speak falsely.

Chorus

Here in my home

I’ll tell you what its all about

There’s just one hope here in my heart

One love undivided

That’s what it’s all about

Please won’t you fall in one by one by one with me?

Verse 3

Push back sister won’t you push back?

Love won’t wait. Just keep pushing on.

Yes I’m strong. You ain’t heavy.

Verse 4

Oh don’t you worry about that…

What we have shadows can’t deny

Don’t you know it’s now or never?

Rap

[Bahasa Malaysia]

Bertubi asakan berkurun lamanya

Hati ke depan mencari yang sayang

translation: Years of fears and years of tribulation

The heart keeps searching for that endless devotion

[Mandarin]

手牵手大家一起走，我代表华人开口未来就没有丢走

phonetics: shou qian shou da jia yi qi zou

wo dai biao hua ren kai kou wei lai jiu mei you diu zou

translation: Hand in hand we’ll march like blood brothers

I speak for my people we’ll find peace forever

[Tamil]

இந்த பயணம் பயணம்.. என் வெற்றி தாகம்,

அந்த கனா காலம்.. நம் வெற்றி ராகம்,

நண்பா.. நண்பா..

phonetics: inthe payanam payanamm yen vettri thaagam

anthee kaana kaalam naam vetri raagam...nanba nanba

translation: May the road ahead quench my thirst for success

May the road behind echo a song of the blessed

[English]

Yes I feel it in my bones and I will let it be known

No matter where I roam this is home sweet home

Sing!

- Words & Music by Pete Teo featuring rap by KLG Sqwad & Altimet

Felt the love?

Get it here. :D

Ahh.. Got to gear up! Semester 9.. is about to start in less then 2 days. eek.. Less then 48 hours, i am to embark in the roller coaster ride of my life.. eek.. eek.. The thought of having to endure two major ~~soul wrenching~~ exams.. in 1 year. makes me go triple eek.. Take a deep breath .. and dive..

Quotes

2008-07-30T19:10:00.002+08:00

" i'll put that differential diagnosis beneath my slipper"

" 500mg paracetamol? Are you intending to tickle your patient?"

"Be precise!"

"Are you a medical student, Or a student doctor?"

"Pavlov's lab dogs"

Listening is healing

2008-07-08T02:08:00.003+08:00

Muahahaaha
It's 2.06am now,
and i am wide awake
no yawns, no watery eyes, wide awake!

was trying so hard to write a liason psychiatry report for the past 5 hours.
and only managed to type like a quarter of a page?!
and i am oh so deviating towards this magnet-like internet
that had my hands so itchy that i just have to write something..

If only i can channel this "inspiration" to the correct place!

Today, i feel like i'm some sort of hound looking for "sad", "depressed", "suicidal", "anxious", "siau" people in the wards.
Further, it takes hours / days to built rapport before some1 divulges their personal stuff, rantings, deep and bottomless fear to you.. right?
And, when we start to ask about hallucinations, be it visual or auditory, i get that look. That dirty look from the ward patient that thinks i'm the siau person instead. Hey, i'm looking pretty serious here ok ah pak! -_-'''

So, 1 word for the psychiatrists.

GENG.

They really got the patience to sit and wait and sit and wait till they spill their beans.

listening is healing

What goo?

2008-07-05T00:38:00.004+08:00

Interestingly,
if you would want to peek into the future of your medical career
( eg : what specialty you are destined to be(!!?) ),
tolerance to Goo (which means slimey mucoid stuff) could be used as a "screening tool", as published by the CMAJ.

But, for the enthusiasts,
who prefer to have narrower lead as to what you might "be-come",
you could try this,
if only you have 15-20 minutes to spare to answer the 130 questions. *glups*

Delusions and illusions

2008-07-01T21:56:00.006+08:00

The world is a fish market.
What do they do best?
Sell fish.

It is a wonder how we were taught and brought up.

Moral values like -
be noble!
do not lie!
be helpful!
humble!
caring!
share your wealth / knowledge!
never steal!
don't cheat!
etc...

is now being mocked! Mocked! MOCKED!!

Think about it.
When is the last time, you tried so hard to uphold your moral values,
but all you get is a spit in the face??
"you are so naive. yeah.. noble, but stupid."

No.
Being noble is not stupidity.

People i know of, who should be down-right good people, are letting people down.
They shouldn't be like this.
They should be moral-filled human beings.
Not people who are lured by shortcuts or "cheatcodes" or favors.

What happened during the course of growing up?
Is it because they were hurt?
And is this just one of the protective mechanisms that is being ticked off?
Gosh.Wake up!!

Cheese!

2008-06-29T17:10:00.003+08:00

Got my new baby today! :)

The stormy clouds *yea!* , the thunder**double yea!* accompanies me as i sit here in this room in seremban.
I guess, the angels really know i love rainy days.
Just listen to how the tiptaps of the rain drops go.

Ah... so fast!! and I'm again back here, again..

However,i do sense a tinge of "freshness" ;
The house smells fresh
I feel like a freshman
and there is some sort of gratitude i have towards my room!
--- it's "looks" bigger and "cooler"!
Although i am pretty sure it measures the same,
and there is no air-conditioning unit that has been secretly installed in this room!
Oh well, musta be the side effects from PGP.. hehe.

Classes starts tomorrow. Eek!

Battle at kruger ; Wow~

2008-06-14T00:07:00.001+08:00

Life is a canvas of our choices...

2008-05-31T01:07:00.004+08:00

This week in neurosurg, we were posted to the neuro ICU ward of TTSH.
(the place where Mrs Lee Kuan Yew was previously treated.)

Apart from taking time to adjust ourselves to take the MRT at 6.30am for 1 hour, and finding our way through the TTSH maze, we were, touched.

I saw the extremes happening, from miracles to dashed lives/families, to families begging for patients to be operated once again-helplessness... Tears poured freely, guilt overwhelming loved ones, some tried to act tough, some fighting amongst themselves, ...

Life events does make a rude turning, in a split second, changes occur without any warning. Life hangs on a delicate balance. It is so fragile. Yet, sometimes we play it like we are playing pinball.
Every single moment, all of us, are aging, running towards the ultimate ending. None is spared.

Did we actually ponder on the fact that, we only have A maximal of 120 years to live. It is so so SO limited. When will we take time to cherish and spend quality time with the people around us that we love or loved us? When do we work? When to read and study? There is so much love, so limited time to spend. Things are complicated by studies ( as you know, knowledge is bottomless) and work ( to find $ or more $$$$$).

We shouldn't be blinded when every thing is fine. It is useless to act like an ostrich. Events flow, like a downstream river. When you let it just flow by, it passes by, and becomes the past. Nothing you do, will re-make the scenario. Nothing is re-playable. We might be stuck in the dilemma, to make choices, according to which and what is more important.

From my point of view, Love is. Family. Loved ones. When the time is up, and they are gone, nothing will bring them back. That's the crude truth of life. Money is never enough. Knowledge is never satiable. But, if you missed a fact or a chance to earn some bucks, you still have another and another chance. People who flaunt the amount of knowledge they have, or the rolls and trolleys of achievements on you, should be questioned, what have they sacrificed?

The thing about having to take the MRT is you actually have the time to sit down ( if you are lucky and fast~!) and ponder over things that happened through the day. And also. to look at humans. Literally studying them, their expressions, their actions. Hehe. I m really enjoying myself here!! :)

Elective-zz~~~~

2008-05-24T11:24:00.010+08:00

Wow,

it's been 4 weeks~! It's like a breeze.. wooowee
Funny why i always think life and all events occuring around me feels like something in a dream.
Maybe i have a goldfish's brain.. cant hold anything more then 5 seconds!?

Ze posting in radiology is superb, the people here are nice and humble, even though they are super consultants or super profs / founders of stuff. They come right down to us punny little elective students to talk, teach us, and bring us along everywhere, even to interventional suites where we get to see the procedure while they are doing it side by side!! (without thinking of charging us a cent! yes, i did this elective for free, just paid for the accomodation and processing fee of 100$) Sigh, things are certainly different down in seremban, where the people there will get angry and refuse us if they fail to recieve the expected return from our school. Sigh. Sigh..

Anyways..
It was fun fun fun.
We get to join the residents for classes too!!
Ranging from the super Geng class like prep for FRCR-2B exams, which mostly left us dazed when we came out of the classes~
Some are case presentations from various dept ( neuro, Gi, peads, opthalmo..),
survival kits for reading various modalities of radiology
etc etc....

YS, A, PH, a philipino dr, and i also get to go visit the Nuhs museum, along with prof LT who designed, and put the collectibles inside it.

Ah... enuff said for the day..
Here are the pics.. can find them on friendster oso (know what my friend from HongKong (YS) said? "Use face book la... Friendster outdated dy! nobody in HK uses that!!" gosh... maybe i am really slow to change..)

PGP residences; the place where i am blogging from :)

Room

Outside library
DDIThe 3 elective students!

Yummy food~

PH's spaggeti

Chillin' at the staff lounge

PH, after a meal

B4 a lecture

Museum outing

Prof LT and us
Prof G, CT machine and us
The MRI machine, radiographers ( chirs and Y), Manu, and us
YS and me

Stairs stairs and more stairs..

singaporean birds having their lunch break

Signning off now..
yeah.. im a lazy bone :p

"The practice of medicine is an art, not a trade,
a calling, not a business;
a calling in which your heart will be exercised equally with your head"
-William Osler

:: HAPPY BIRTHDAY XUELI~~::

Lesson 101

2008-05-13T22:27:00.003+08:00

1. Learn something after every incident.

2. Masters of masks & weavers of plots and trickery are all around us, and God shows them to us from incidents and accidents.

3. Appreciate every moment in life for they are our canvas for our imagination.

4. You do not need to fret at things which are deemed unworthy.

-- mashed --

2008-03-26T21:02:00.000+08:00

Your Call (Secondhand Serenade)

Waiting for your, call I’m sick, call I’m angry
call I’m desperate for your voice
Listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It’s playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Cause every breath that you will take
when you are sitting next to me
will bring life into my deepest hopes, What’s your fantasy?
(What’s your, what’s your…)

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

And I’m tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home
(I know everything you wanted isn’t anything you have)

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
(I know everything you wanted isn’t anything you have)

Sing your lungs out!!

2008-03-15T04:53:00.001+08:00

Come on, Sing along..

Such a feelins comin over me

There is wonder in most everything I see

Not a cloud in the sky

Got the sun in my eyes

And I wont be surprised if its a dream

Everything I want the world to be

Is now coming true especially for me

And the reason is clear

Its because you are here

Youre the nearest thing to heaven that Ive seen

(*) Im on the top of the world lookin down on creation

And the only explanation I can find

Is the love that Ive found ever since youve been around

Your loves put me at the top of the world

Something in the wind has learned my name

And its tellin me that things are not the same

In the leaves on the trees and the touch of the breeze

Theres a pleasin sense of happiness for me

There is only one wish on my mind

When this day is through I hope that I will find

That tomorrow will be just the same for you and me

All I need will be mine if you are here
*

Now... feel better??

Letter to God

2008-03-06T02:47:00.008+08:00

Dear god,

Once upon a time, i had a friend who told me that friends are like clothes.
and i remember i refused to believe in it.

then one day
i took off all the clothes i had
i burnt them all down
drew a line
put up a false front

because on that day
Life became meaningless to me

it all began
when
i had told you, my dear god,
please, do tell me the secret of life
i prayed hard for the "secret"
i was too arrogant and ignorant
too inpatient to learn from life

and,
you showed me ..
death
and
impermanence

God,
my heart was shattered
i sank into darkness
nothing is real
life was just a dream i yearn to wake up from
i feel the irony of life
it feels cold and cruel

everything
everything
no matter how hard you grab with your might
it'll slip off
it's like grasping sand between your fingers
catching air with a vacuum cleaner

it is going too fast
i am a loser to time
i cannot outrun it

so i shifted my priority to my family
but god,
it aches my heart each time when i go back home
to find another wrinkle on my parents face
knowing a new event happened to my love-ies without me

i see the phases of life in my mind
everytime
at the lunch table in the restaurant
whenever a pair of young couple / family is eating
in my mind they transform into a young family, a middle age family, and then the children all grown up, leaves to form their own family, and then the couple dies.

Dear god
yes, i did see life too
the beginning of life
the baby's first breath
the cry
but the joy i had was clouded by shudders and chills of what is going to be

Slowly,
months went by
the tear supply was exhausted
i too, was exhausted, wasted
the 30,000rm exam was looming
i cannot fail
i shelved the idea of life

God,
for months
the idea was at the back of my head
never the main topic
i rebuilt my life
i am starting to look at clouds and my blue sky
slowly bits and pieces
but it is still in progress
i am still mending my heart

i know i must grow up
fact remains as fact
there is no neverland
this is life
i must take away
my ego, &
my fantasies
to be an apprentice of life.

Bless me, dear god.

Super Junior

2008-02-21T21:03:00.003+08:00

Watch this if you want a laugh after a hard day

Happy Holidays!!!!!
I didn't really sensed the happiness until the conversation below took place..

Friend : Eh xinli, what sem are you in now?
Me : Sem .... EIGHT! ( really syok feeling. hehehe :P)

Only 10 days of holiday after toiling for 1 year / sleeping for less then 6 hours per day, siting stuck to the chair until you feel pain in your buttocks and numbing toes...
Ahhh.... Make it worthwhile!! :)

Nuts and crackers

2008-01-01T18:00:00.000+08:00

Nuts:
Free licensed copies of AVGAntiVirusProf.Edition! here.

Crackers:
WebrootSpysweeper 5.5. Here.
Register here.

Minutes to midnight

2007-12-31T22:34:00.000+08:00

Music : If god had a name, what would it be?

2007
What a year!
A year filled with smiles, tears, laughter, and a brand new world i never knew.
Truthfully it was an action-packed year, which sometimes i think i could hardly catch my breath.
It's like i've lived for 20 years in this year!!! honestly!! :stars:
Lets see:
In this year, i've been though more tests and stress i've ever experienced, i've met more then a hundred new faces, talked to them about their family, their jobs, their inner secrets :winks:, their toilets (yeah.. we got to know what toilet they are using :gawkk:) and etc etc.. and to see them go through life's tests.., i see my friends going through changes, i get to research, i get to do lotsss of things!

Hm.. talking about talking..
Well, talking to people is.. um.. an indescribableness experience.
Some people have really awesome stories and lifes, some had heart-wrenching tales, and to some extent, some were quite secretive becoz they thought i was selling insurance, even though i reassured them!!!!!! :bizzare: The most touching pt i met and talked to was a makcik who was the one who held my hand to guide me palpate her abdomen. (seriously, you can go really really deep!! :nods:). She's 40 and its her first pregnancy! :wow:

Ahhh... 2007 i've learned to be more humble and "professional", thanks to all my profs, drs, buddies, friends and acquaintances [and of course, because of not forgetting my sweet family members of mine]. It's their snares, grunts and frightening stares.. that i sorta grew up. From the shell to the world.

2007. Opened my eyes to good ,bad and gray people. People who think of the world of themselves, people who think they own others :roll eyes:, people who simply are a**h***s :cant help them:, critics, shoe-polishers, good people, thoughtful people, helpful people, animal-lovers, mixed-personality people..ahh... the list goes on.

In short, that's human,so be human and humane.

Good bye 2007.

Helo 2008.

-xinli-

Somethings i've learnt:Converting docx to doc.
Ever wonder how to open .docx? It's a microsoft office 2007 file. So, if you all are just like me, out-dated :hehe:, download the file from here to convert .docx to .doc , and you can read it in your microsoft office 2003. :cheers:

- - L . I . F . E - -

2007-10-09T21:11:00.000+08:00

Music : Relient K - Who i hates who i have been
Quote : " Life is a circle"

Ahh.... life and it's rantings...

i miss obstetrics!!!
oh yes, i don't mind it even if we have to wake up at 6am everyday!!
and yes, i don't mind that we have to finish clerking 4-6 patients ( depending on your luck!) every night... and to rush back home to prepare for the next day's presentation..
panda eyes, dehydrated, wasted... it's ok ..OK!
i don't mind it because at least it's the happiest place in the hospital...
where i get to see LIFE brought to this world... and not death and despair...
this is where the sound of crying is welcomed most (in the labour room, no crying means baby born dead..!), and where there is hope and happiness etched on each mother's face...
and the calmness you see in the newborn's face... soothing and calm..
hmm... obstetrics.. :D

Ahhh.... 2 days of psychiatry and i'm wanting it to be shorten to 3 weeks! ( evil evil me... kekeke)
Here, i feel like i am once again thrown into the sea of despair and sadness :(

The paintings at the walls have faded, the fan creaking loudly and we were all standing as close as possible (imagine >sheeps) together in the middle of the psychiatric ward for briefing, pretending to be oblivious to the stares you get from some of the patients.. There were some patients singing (quite well actually), and some mumbling and some talking to themselves... and at the same time i have scary thoughts running through my mind while desperately trying to pay attention to Dr. X's briefing..

I must admit, that i have really bad assumption about all the patients here.. I have this scene in my mind where somebody ran amok and started stabbing everyone with a knife and blood spilling all over.. Well, none of that happened, luckily. See, Presumption and Assumption is the biggest barrier here. Even i can't escape from it..

At the end of the day, i figured out that they are just like the patients in the wards, be it internal med, or surgery.. they just need help... and if we don't help them, if we don't try to understand their pain, their internal turmoil and struggle, who would?